Carter wins Championship, April 28-09

Harp returns to lead Team Carter to Championship

After missing the first and third game of the four game series, former TNH captain Paul Harp returned to the fold last night and lead Team Carter to a 4-3 victory in the final game of the season. The one goal margin was enough to give the White Boys a 2 goal advantage in the championship and the right to call themselves “TNH Hockey Champs.”

“I was just glad to have him back” said Team Captain Carter. “It was like having a second coach out there. I was getting sick of yelling at Chasse to stay on his side and tired of stopping Lee from taking all those breakaways. And Leblanc? Don't get me started. Lets just say I'll be dangling him as trade bait in the Fall.”

Harp potted two to lead his teammates to the victory despite complaining of “an indeterminate upper body injury.” It was a valiant effort for sure, almost as impressive as Captain Velagic playing with one arm for the duration of the series.

But what about Harp's mysterious ailment? We're not so sure it was as “indeterminate”as Harp made out. The TNH Insider (the exclusive gossip show of the TNHL) revealed this little tidbit on last night's show. Seems the Hollywood Boy, in an effort to make the cut for “Hercules, The Early Years” was having a little reconstruction work done in the aforementioned area.

Harp, absolutely denied the surgical rumours “This is all push ups and clean living.” Sure Harpo or should we call you Herco?

According to unknown sources in the exclusive Toronto plastic surgery clinic where Mr. Harp acquired his “pec plants”, something went “terribly, terribly, wrong”. A former employee of the clinic, Nadia Sturvitz, offered some insight

“Yaah, someone wrote Paula Harp on the admittance chart, and for some reason or other no one bothered to lift the sheet and double check. Ve went ahead with the implants, but lets just say those things will never look muscular. It was an honest mistake.”

The end result?

“Velllll if this Hercules movie is about a confused trans gendered crusader in the middle of a sex change, well then Ms.Harp I mean Mr. Harp is a shoo in. Ya?”

As for the game?

It was a well played affair that started with a couple of quick tallies and committed forechecking by the White squad. The reunion of the brothers Lee and the improved forward play by Matt “The Kid” Maclaren went a long way towards securing the victory.

The Red Side, led by Ned “One Arm” Velagic, Peter the Doctor, and Cameron “The Other Kid” Smith tried their best to make up for the quick start but it was just too little too late. A disappointed Lawrie the Lip Livesay -who failed to make it through the carbon jungle to the opposing net-had this to say about the outcome:

“I'll be spending the first month or so extracting the carbon fibres from my back, but other than that I want to congratulate Team Carter on a series well played.”

Is their a shakeup about to happen on the Red Side? The refusal of many of the players to pose for the post game photo tells us there is something a lot more wrong on that squad than a lack of goal scoring or positive leadership.

Livesay was unavailable for the after party where the new king of TNH was presented with his trophy.

“I just want to thank everyone who contributed to the White victory, and I want to thank former commissioner McGee for staying on the Red Side.”

Congratulations to all for a season well played and kudos to Commissioner Chasse who, continuing with the "austerity moves" presented all players with a participant award.

"I find awards really separate the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad, and I don't want that kind of separation in my league. It set a precedent and makes people aspire to un-realistic goals. These simple documents tell everyone that they are, in my book at least, real winners."

Congratulations to everyone for a well-played, safe season. Hope to see you all next Fall.

Sincerely,

James McGee

Former Commissioner

Lee Scores in final minute to give Team Carter 1 goal lead!

The following is an eyewitness account of last night's events.

"Lost Boy will go to Tim"

"Livesay goes for the blatant trip on Gord Lee when Gordie streak's by him - the trip is called which results in a penalty shot which Ronnie easily saves"

"Both goalies played great"

"Defense on Red was stellar"

From the Bowling Ball Boy:

"It was a hard-fought 7-6 victory for white I believe.Tempers flared a little and there was some rough-housing.Most notable, a friendly scuffle at the Red blue line with Eddie Chasse getting the better of periennal goonboy Ned."

Apparently I took the first ever TNHL playoff penalty shot.

Goes like this, skate in from centre ice, should I go left, should I go right, should I go 5-hole, should I shot high, should I shot low, shit!!!! Blue ice, just shot the puck - I think I hit Ronnie sqaure in the chest and then I almost ran into him. I missed.

Redeemed myself later in the game on the last shift - scored the tying goal on a nifty behind the net pass from Matt and then the winner on a nice pass from Andy!

Hope that jives with everyone else's account!!!

White missed Harp but were happy to have Leblanc back.

The Lipper speaks:

White 7-6 win. Red outplayed white by a mile....First ever penalty shot called against (me) - I hooked Gord Lee down. Gord was stymied by Ronnie

Tough night for the goalies...

The Doctor was great for the Red...I think he had 3 maybe 4 goals. Carter was down right dirty last night - slashing - hacking - tripping*

*Pot calling the kettle black?

Gord Lee potted the winner with seconds left in the game

Christen hit Mark Lewis in the foot with a shot that would have put most players on the DL.

Dave (not sure of last name - plays D for Red) was solid all night for the red team

Nice to see Tim play thorough his back injuries and lace'm up lace night for white

Very intense game - quick shifts - lots of pace.

Captain Carter:

Penalty shot awarded to Lee after Livesay blows a gasket and hauls Gord down on his way to a quivering Ronnie. After the play I overheard Livesay mutter something about the previous week and that he’s still looking for revenge on the mauling Chase gave him. Lee missed the penalty shot but buried the game winner at the buzzer for a White win 7-6.

And a bit of Haiku from the original Lost Boy:

Who won:

White

Who lost:

Red

Who starred:

We all did

A well thought out but somewhat biased commentary from the current commissioner:

Displaying their depth at every position the White squad routed the Reds in a lopsided 7-6 affair. The Reds desperation was evident in the waning moments of the match when Velagic was taken down by Chase and curled into the fetal position on the ice, pleading for mercy. Livesay was incensed (and embarrassed) resorting to “ street fighting “ tactics, hooking, hacking and slashing at every opportunity.The playoffs will do this to a guy but it was nevertheless a sad , pathetic display. White goes into the final game brimming with confidence and a virtual lock for this years hardware.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Final game next week

Team Velagic Evens The Score

The Gooner returns.

The Lipper gets mad.

A rookie almost gets three in his second play-off game.

What more could someone ask for?

"It was looking like snails mating last week" commented Zamboni driver Jerry . "Now tonight, that was a play-off game."

Jerry should know, he's been watching TNH playoff games for nigh on twenty years from his lofty perch on the blue and white ice devil. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT JERRY.

Lets talk instead about, desire, overcoming anger, and fighting a stifling checking system designed to drain the life out of a man who just wants to play a little hockey.

"I'm a nice guy" commented Red Team forward Lawrence "The Lip"Livesay after the game "but it was getting a little ugly down in that end tonight. I mean how's a guy suppose to do anything with Carter tripping me, Chasse hooking, and Harp well .... my Tuesday night wouldn't be complete if I didn't have to pull the wood chips from Harp's stick out of my lower back now would it. Boy, was I mad."

But instead of overt acts of violence (which run in contrast to his deeply held spiritual beliefs) Livesay chose to channel his anger in more positive ways, scoring the winning goal for the Red Team in a tightly fought battle.

"It unfolded beautifully. I took the pass from Velagic and moved to the centre of the ice, I saw a breath of an opening in Kowalik's pads and utilized Chasse's fat ass, I mean oversized buttocks, as a perfect screen for my shot."

After what had been a less than thrilling opener (many veterans had decided to sit out the first game due to a variety of ailments, including early male menopause) the second game was well worth the price of admission, marked by the return of veteran Velagic from the IR. His undisclosed "lower foot injuries" had kept him on the sideline for six weeks.

And for those who had the time to clock Ned's shifts on the bench, it was like he never left.

"His stamina is amazing" said fellow forward Ricky Cutaia "I just wish I could stay out there as long as he does..."

You do Richard, you do.

Despite the veteran presence, it was a rookie who almost stole the show. Little Matthew Maclaren, the 23 year old nephew of Goalie George managed to score 2 on his aging uncle but couldn't connect for the third.

When asked about what appeared to be a rather overt act of nepotism, the Elder Mac had this to say:

"A nepo what? I'm not Italian. Those were all good goals, that kids got a future in this league."

When pressed, a sheepish George relented.

'The kid drives me okay. My vision ain't so good no more, and being on a pension, I can't afford to pay for gas. Leave me alone okay. I tried on everyone of those shots tonight."

And how about his counting ability? According to the Elder Mac, the final score was 3-2, Red. Which according to my math makes this series all tied up.

Former Captain Gord Lee had this to say: "Three two? Three two? If it was three two then that Maclaren should get his meds ch..."

Careful Gordon, he's playing for you next week.

Any thoughts on the score? Post a comment.

Christen Fights Sniffles to lead Team Carter in Playoffs

Complaining of a killer head cold, White Team veteran and reigning TNH Champion Brett Christen returned to McCormick after a four week absence last night, and lead his team mates to a 5-4* victory over the Red Squad.

"I didn't think I'd make it" said Christen "there was a point there when I thought my head would explode. I was really stuffed up."

After hearing of his teammates dilemma, Ed "Big Head"Chassé stepped in, grabbed Christen by the curls and shoved a large dose of non-drowsy Nasal Blow* up his star's nose.

"A head cold? A head cold? Sheesh...does he know Bobby Baun played the 64' Stanley Cup with one leg? Don't get me started."

Christen rose above Chase's criticisms and, riding a high not unlike the one provided by a good prescription quality speed, contributed strongly to the White Team Victory.

The game, a close hard fought affair (which featured superior goaltending at both ends) was decided late in the third period after a serious gaffe by Red Rookie "Cameron" - Michael Kohn's protege. The young forward, (who is apparently a serious contender for the Stinky Boy award this year) coughed the puck up to fellow rookie, Paul L. and watched as he scored on a completely shocked Ronnie the K.

The young #55 was grief stricken: "Mr. Kohn said this series would be tough. Man, he never told me you guys would be forechecking and backchecking!"

What about the gaffe?

"Okay, I coughed it up, does there have to be an inquisition? Just don't tell Mr. Kohn. Please!"

The young rookie's mistake destroyed an otherwise "Hall Of Fame" performance by Red Team goalie Ronnie The K.

"I left it all out there on the ice tonight, I don't know what else I can do."

Pick it up, put it in your bag, and show up next week Ronnie!

And speaking of showing up, where were Captains Carter and Velagic? The two leaders were nowhere to be seen as the first game of the Spring Classic unfolded. A rather odd strategy at play-off time. Were they trying to avoid the McGee decision?***

Also conspicuous by their absence were vets Harp and Woolley. Were they responding to Shmotz's harangue in last weeks update and serving a self-imposed suspension? The rumour mill placed them at a couples counselling session in Etobicoke, but so far there is no confirmation.

Team White is strong and has to be the early favourite this year. With the return of the Terrible Lee's and the solid defensive work of Crossover Boy Bugden, they are a force to be reckoned with. We can only hope the gap doesn't get any wider.

Until next week.


The Former Commish

*Will Matthew M's Ref Boy call of "they were offside" on that final goal take one away from Red?

**Will Christen's use of non-prescription drugs put an asterisk on this game?

*** McGee made an executive decision and played for Team Velagic last evening.

Former Commissioner a Curse?

Editor's note:

The following is from TNH columnist Bobby Shmotz. I will let him write (occasionally) as long as he doesn't use it for shameless self-promotion.

Former Commissioner's Comeback Cursed?

It was a divided room last night at the McCormick Ice Palace. On one side there were rousing cheers for former Commissioner McGee in his continued effort to “find a team” for his TNH comeback. On the other side, there were those who thought he just wasn't ready to play.

“He’s a curse” mumbled player/coach/Hab lover Harpo. “He’s played for two different teams in the last two weeks and both have lost. We don’t want his stink on our bench.”

McGee was rather distressed by Mr. Harp’s comments.

“I’m just out there trying to do my best, and contribute to my team’s chance of victory” said McGee, in tears after being informed of Harp’s negativisms. Harp wasn’t fooled.

“He ain’t helping us. Tell him to take his floating routine to the other side. He’s in la la land if he thinks he’s ready for next week’s game.”

When asked for an opinion, Andrew Carter, captain of the White side had this to say:

“So far McGee has shown up on time, his sweater has always been pressed and he contributes valuable insights on the bench. Why only last night he was suggesting that we should pass to each other as we approached the goal in an attempt to put it behind the goalkeeper. However if I had to choose, and I’m trying to be fair here, I would say let Velagic have the cripple.”

And since Carter has the final say on additions to his squad, things do not look good for a White McGee. Will Team Red Captain Velagic (who, luckily enough has not seen McGee in action for the past two weeks.) come through for his old army mate.

“I hate to think that my chance of playing boils down to the Gooner’s opinion of me. I did after all steal his girlfriend back in 1983. Can we at least have a vote? It worked for me on Canadian Idol, it could work for me here.”

The final game of the season was a well played affair, with lots of scoring, skating and shooting on both sides. The Red bench was bolstered by the continued benevolence of White Team veteran Bugden who, for the 500^th time in TNHL history agreed to “crossover”. It also benefited from Ronnie the K's replacement, rental goalie Dave, who was uncertain at times on some of the shots that approached his net. Especially the hard fast ones.

Highlights were abundant, including a brief scuffle between old dance mates P.Harp and G.Woolley in the Red end. The Pas du Duh made this writer think nostalgically about the old “He hooked me, he hacked me, think I’ll kill him” days. Current commissioner Chassé will have to get on this situation quickly or risk having it get out of control. No sense having two of your best players mad at each other during the play-offs. Come on girls, kiss and make up, it is after all, only a game.

Matty "the kid" had a strong game for the White team, as he (along with fellow forward Scotty D.) actually skated vigorously back to their own end of the ice to see what life on the other side of the blue line was like.

Red Squad veteran M. Kohn - rumoured to be heading to Europe to explore playing opportunities in the Moorish League - played valiantly, and for the most part kept to the centre of the ice, at one point splitting the defense and scoring on a breakaway opportunity.

Ref Boy Dicky D’Amico (rumoured to be the illegitimate son of NHL ref John D’Amico) made several questionable offside calls during the game, but his best was the first ever high-sticking call late in the game. Dicky D's call essentially "snuffed out" what appeared to be a Team Carter comeback.

“I calls them as I sees them” said Dicky after the game. “If they go in my team's favour, that’s just one of the benefits of being a player-ref.”

It looks like both teams are in good shape going into next week’s play-offs. However, there are still some gaping deficiencies in both line ups. Captain Carter has got to be worried as to whether Breakaway Boy Christen will return from his forced hiatus.

“ First my little Victor disappears, and now Christen takes a holiday? I don’t care what the big man is negotiating, we need some scoring.”

And how about the Red Side? Will Velagic’s (now affectionately know as the Gimper) playing time be decreased by having to play with crutches? Will Livesay cough up for that baby sitter?

And most importantly what team will McGee get to play for? Lets put it to a vote!

The story starts to unfold next week. Till then...

Keep your head up,

Bobby