Hazing a Bust. Balyk wins costume contest

"You call that a haze? Man I was in more pain after my peewee hazing."

It was a cocky Gary "GG" Graves talking tough after last night's TNH hazing at the McCormick Ice Palace.

Fellow rookie Kyle "nick name pending" Marancos, a close friend of Crossover Boy Bruce Bugden seemed equally disappointed: "where's the friggin' honey?" Bugden had promised the new rookie a pretty exciting evening in Parkdale. Marancos was in tears when he found out there was no Billy Bee to be found.

After promising the traditional "honey & blades" for this year's hazing, Commissioner Chasse decided to go easy on the two new rookies.

"It's hardly a hazing ritual if only two of the rookies show up now is it? Why the hell should I break out the blades?"

Mysteriously absent from last night's action were the Oakville rookie connection: Millar and Laton. Did veteran Livesay warn his new recruits?

There was no need LL, the government did the work for you.

Facing extreme criticism from the Human Rights commission, Chasse was forced to scale back on the hazing event, choosing a much more friendly approach to this years proceedings. Instead of the standard shave with a honey chaser - the event consisted of a balloon toss, a TNH trivia contest, and a Greco Roman wrestling event in the parking lot.

Graves and Marancos battled to a bloodless tie.

"Man, do these guys ever tap out fast" said a disappointed Captain Carter.

If that was a disappointment, how about the costume contest? Only two players showed up in suitable regalia: Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen chose the guise of a "sensitive, pass oriented hockey player" and Peter Balyk dressed up as "Pumpkinhead". When all was said and done, it was the doctor that took home the keys to the new Infiniti for his recreation of Pumpkin Head on skates.



"People were thinking I was going to go for Lecter, but I thought that was a little too obvious. Pumpkinhead has always been an inspiration to me" said Dr. Balyk after the event.

Despite wearing the heavy mask during the game, Balyk managed to score two goals in a losing effort.

"Just wait till I take this thing off next week."

Christen to his credit scored 4, or was it 5 goals?

"I try to stop counting at 3" said Christen in his new sensitive role "I like to focus on how well my teammates do and not let my prowess get in the way."

Lets see how long that lasts. Play resumes next week.

Where are the pucks Mr. Chase?

Turkey Boy's got a complaint...October 14-2009

After enduring a loss and a tie to begin the new season, Captain Andrew Carter of Team White is at a loss to explain the apathy of his squad.

"Sure we're missing Harp and Ashby back there, and maybe our forwards aren't up to speed yet but come on, when you don't have any pucks in the warm up - what the hell are we suppose to do?"

Seems Commissioner Chasse in yet another austerity move has cut back on the amount of pucks he lets "out of the bag" for the warm up.

"Yeah, so what's the problem?" was the answer from the defensive Chase. "Do they think these things grow on trees?* I bring out ten at the beginning of each season and that should be more than enough."

"Ten?" countered Carter "He brought out ten maybe two years ago, we're down to two aside now...and man you should see them its like a rat's been gnawing away at them..."

"There ain't no rats in my bag Carter! I run a clean operation."

"Are you calling this a rat? It's my chihuahua for Crisssakes! Tell Carter to go back to biology class!"

"Why don't you check Carter's bag" offered Chasse "I bet you there's a whole "lotta rubba" in there."

Will Chasse's frugality cause an irreparable rift in the ranks of the White team? We'll have to wait to see how this one turns out.

*Hey "Mr. Chassis", Jay Luiz Arabello has a message for you!

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

It was scoring, free beer, and a whole new attitude as Michael "Lost Boy" Kohn placed his definitive stamp on Team Velagic last night in his first game as interim captain.

The Red squad cruised to a 10-7 victory on the strength of Kohn's inspired leadership both on and off the ice.

"I try to lead by example" commented Kohn as he handed out free beer after the game. And what an example he was: potting one goal and assisting on three others.

Red Team Forwards Balyk, Livesay and Smith followed suit, scoring goals at a pace not unlike the 1985 Oilers.

Which begs the question: where was this kind of performance when Velagic was manning the bench?

"Mr. Velagic use to hit us with his stick and call us names" offered Cameron "Never Look Back" Smith. "Mr. Kohn, err Captain Kohn plys us with drinks and lets us do anything we want. Of course we'll do anythng he says."

The mood in the White dressing room wasn't so cheery.

"They came at us in swarms" said Commissioner Chasse as he slowly sipped one of Kohn's frosties "we couldn't stop them."

It was a short bench on both sides as several veterans opted to cheer on the Leafs instead of come out for a night of good clean hockey and male bonding.

The White Team were missing several key players from last year's championship squad, including defenseman Carter, "Hollywood Boy" Harp, Eugene "The Ripper" Lee and sophomore forward Paul Leblanc

"I can only hope we get some help next week" said Chasse "otherwise I'm going to have to start some lame parity campaign and try to rape and pillage the Red Team for its good forwards."

Will Chasse's ploy succeed? Will Harp finally show? Will Gord Woolley get off the couch?

Play resumes next week.

Velagic Chooses Kohn as interim captain

Velagic names Kohn as interim captain, Oct 2-09

The speculation is over, the thinking has ceased. A decision has been made.

"I want Kohn!"

In a stunning move, Nedd Velagic has named Michael (aka Killer, aka Lost Boy) Kohn as interim captain of the Red Squad till he returns from the IR, sometime this century.

And the question Nedd, on everyone's mind is this: "Why?"

"Mike and I have a unique relationship. I talk, he listens."

Kohn discusses line up changes with Velagic

Many thought the position would go to Velagic protege and Red Team defenseman Mark "Mountain Boy" Lewis. Velagic begs to differ.

"Mark's alright if you want scoring and superb defense, but I know the Kohner can handle my instruction and will deliver it with the right intonation in the dressing room."

Kohn, never shy with an opinion, is well known as an "expert analyst and motivator" much in the style of TSN pundit Pierre Maguire.

"I look forward to the Red squad finally giving me the respect I deserve" said Kohn. "Now they have to listen."

Or so he hopes. According to sources, Lewis is absolutely bitter about Velagic's oversight and plans a protest.

"We're ready for any protest that Mr. Lewis might launch" offered Kohn "for now this team is mine, all mine!"

Kohn will be exercising his new found power this Tuesday Night at the season opener. Be there.