Teams Tie in First Game of Reset Match

With Kohn's Kommandos clinging to a one goal lead late in the game, Team Carter needed a little help from rink attendant Fritzie "The Snake" Curtis last night to eke out a tie in the first game of the "reset" series.

"I thought I was going to have a heart attack with all the extra time he gave us."
said Colonel Michael Kohn of the Red Squad

Fritzie (who rarely if ever grants extra time to the TNHL)seemed bound and determined not to go home until Team Carter tied it up last night. He managed to press the final buzzer at 11:10 just after the Carterites scored the tying goal.

When asked to comment, Fritzie, sucking on one of Kyle "I'm Not Scotty" Marancos fine White Team beers, had this to say:

"I didn't see no Red guys stuffing my Christmas stocking with CC, did you? Now Mr. Carter on the other hand, he looks after us. So what if I give a little extra time? It's the play-offs"

Yet another accusation of impropriety (and believe me, we're going to hopefully retire that word after this week) in a series that has been dominated by impropriety.

The TNHL Spring Classic, had up to now been dubbed as "The Series To Forget" due to the indifferent play and total domination by Team White. It was good to see the two teams settle down to good old fashioned play-off hockey. Last night's match was indeed a classic. The game was a spirited affair marked by the following (pick two only)

1. Hacking and holding by the White Squad
2. End to end action.
3. Consistent Red Team Confusion
4. Excellent goaltending.
5. Creative Goal Scoring
6. Selfish individual play

Commissioner Chase (who as always, picked #1 and #6) had this to say after the game:

"Parity Boy got his tie! Is he happy?" commented a still bitter Commissioner Chase.

McGee was his usual calm, albeit measured self when responding to Chase's outburst:

"I'm just a firm believer in sportsmanship and fair play. If Mr. Chase wasn't so focused on domination and anhilation and paid a little more attention to sportsmanship and his administrative duties, there would be no need for these drastic measures."

As most know, the series had been reset due to Chase's refusal to play by his own rules. The acting commissioner (in a continuing effort to be on the winning team every year) had bolstered his lineup with Steve "Almost A Doctor" Dunn, but hadn't collected his dues. Using an illegal player is strictly verboten in the storied league.

"It was an honest mistake" offered Chase for the last time.


Honest are not, the series now tied at five goals a piece, and the TNHL Championship comes down to one game - next week, 10pm McCormick Arena. With or without Fritzie, Team Carter has a major challenge on their hands.

Be there.

Don't be afraid to comment. It's your democratic right.

Harp Accuses TNHL Exec of Financial Improprieties

Still reeling from accusations of being a pantywaist and a shirker, a bitter Paul Harp posts an ill-advised rant about corruption at high levels in the TNHL.

Good luck holding on to your few remaining friends Mr. Harp.

For Immediate Release:

Some of you may have questioned my indifference to not playing without the beloved fireman red long john combination. However, it goes much deeper than that, I could not be a party to the façade that Eddie “I don’t drive a Thrills gum-coloured Porsche” Chassé was weaving with his creative accounting. I stumbled upon the 2^nd set of books while trying to extricate myself from the “4 seater with a trunk” for all your sporting needs. How could I not, it was crushing my left testicle as we rode along at warp speed, Ed delicately balancing a coffee, smoke and his incessantly buzzing Blackberry mere inches from the tarmac.

Using my spelunking map light I could see plain as day the irregularities concerning Steve Dunn and others. Since then I have not let up in taking swipes at the man I called a friend and his “gum coloured” Porsche over in the white room.

Therefore, since I had an inkling that an unmarked, no return address envelope had made its way to the former Commish; I chose to refrain from being a part of the sick charade unfolding on the h’ice

Some may say I should have closed ranks, supported the Tim lovin’ leader but I could not stay silent. The irregularities are out in the open where they should be it’s just a shame he was never in front of the net. In that case a high rising shot from the point might have made him see sense, or at least question motive but that will forever be debated at the Cadillac.

Paul “Hollywood” Harp (on behalf of those who feel they have no voice)

Need to talk to Paul? You can't - but don't fret. You can donate to Paul's cause here - bitter@ineedasecondsetofredunderewearormyfriendswillkeepmakingfunofme.com

You can read more about the wacky antics of Paul and his friends here:

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Forgetful Series gets a reset

A reset, what the hell does that mean?

In what journalists and pundits have been calling the "A Series To Forget", the TNHL 2010 Championship took another odd turn this morning as the league declared the first two games of the series "in default."

The series has been plagued by an assortment of memory lapses: players forgetting equipment, defenseman forgetting assignments, forwards forgetting how to score. The current commissioner did not want to be left out of this Alzheimer craze.

Turns out Chasse forgot his own rules- allowing a player to participate without paying his full dues. Former commissioner and now Head of Communication for the league, James McGee was asked to comment.

"Mr. Chasse asked me to send out a very simple directive at the end of the regular season - pay in full or don't play in the play-offs. When Red Team Captain Kohn made the official protest after the game last night, we had to investigate. "

"It was a clerical oversight" stated the usually monetarily fixated commissioner "I'm sure he had every intention."

Apparently intentions don't count. Unable to find a receipt, Chasse is now forced to declare a reset to the series. The question remains, who was the cause of this incredible precedent?

Turns out that it was none other than Team Carter rookie Steve Dunn, who has not paid his dues in full, thus negating the results of the first two games.

"C'mon, he's a struggling med student" said one White teammate. "We got to cut him some slack."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat....?" screeched Captain Carter when told of the news. "I'm going for two here."

Sorry Mr. Carter, but a rule is a rule. The slate must be cleared, we must start afresh in order to maintain the integrity of the TNHL. Without integrity we are nothing.

"Integrity? Who's running this league, the politburo? This reset is a Stalin tactic if there ever was one" commented a dejected Carer. "We whupped them twice, we'll whup em' again. I don't care how many times "the league" tries to change things."

In an omission of a lesser sort, but nonetheless in keeping with the lapse of memory theme, star defenseman Paul "Hollywood Boy" Harp refused to play for Team Carter because he hmmm...forgot his underwear.

"I can't stand the feeling of my hockey equipment against my body."

Though Carter and Marancos pleaded with their defensive partner to at least try going "commando" for one night only, Harp would not relent.

"I'm a shell of a man without my long johns. Do you know where this stuff has been? I'm not letting this touch my skin."

Turns out Team Carter didn't need Harp's help at all as they cruised to an easy 7-2 victory in last night's game - despite Red Team goalie Ronnie the K's valiant effort to keep things close. Matt "Blackberry Boy" Maclaren, the aforementioned Steve "See Me On Payday" Dunn and the newly invigorated Scotty "Don't call me Kyle" Driscoll were among the scorers for Team Carter.

But alas, the victory was in vain, an an almost insurmountable 15-6 total goal tally will be wiped from the record.

"I'm looking forward to starting afresh" said a glowing Kohn "it's the right thing to do."

So for the first time in league history the final series gets a reset and boils down to a two game, total goal series. Let's hope everyone remembers to show up. For those seeking equipment cleaning or an extra set of underclothing, we have attached the links below.

http://www.victoriassecret.com/

http://www.kleennhardsports.com/Equipment_Kleening/equipment_kleening.htm

White Team taking "Team Spirit" too far?

Things got out of hand last night, as the White squad , desperate to maintain the momentum established in last week's game met for an off-site team building exercise. Apparently, one of Team White's veteran leaders (who has an accent a Gout at the end of his name) wanted to play a little game of "prison" to simulate game conditions.

"Being in stir is a lot like being on the ice in an intensely competitive game. You gotta look out for your teammate like you'd look after your cellmate."

Perhaps, but how much care is too much? Let's hope this stuff doesn't spill over onto the ice.

Team Building out of control?

Is Maclaren choosing sides?

Click on the picture for a larger view.

Defensive Checklist

Here's a brief overview of what Team Kohn defenseman might consider bringing to the game tomorrow evening:

1) Jock (with extra tape, cause you left it on the ice a lot last week)

2) Gloves, perfect for holding the stick

3) Ability to accept blame - it can't be all the forwards fault.

4) Above than average support for goaltender Ronnie the K. Can we get him the first shutout of his TNH play-off career?

TNH Playoffs 2010- Game 1 - Team Carter 8 Kohn's Kommandos 4

Team Carter takes slight edge in series

What? How the hell did that happen? How the hell did the sluggish almost neanderthal Team White take an early (4) goal lead in the spring classic?

"We've been sandbagged" complained Team Red forward Cameron Smith, who despite spending most of the week under doctor's care, managed to make it out to the big game. "Where was all that offense in the regular season?"


It's called poker Cameron, albeit of the "liar" variety.

There was the typical 3H's (hooking, holding, hacking) by the White Team at both ends of the ice but it was really the uninspired play of both Team Kohn's forwards and defenseman that was probably the biggest reason for the defeat.

"I knew that when Graves forgot his jock and Fraser forgot his gloves that we might be in a little trouble" continued Kohn. "Distracted is not a good way to start a play-off series."

Both defenseman have been provided with a Kohner Kommandos checklist for next Tuesday's game.

The tension on Team Red's Bench was distinct with both sides blaming the other for failure to produce. The Team Carter bench was a little more robust, distinguished by the grunting and mean spirited cajoling that typically defines a species about to take the next evolutionary step. Rookie power forward Steve Dunn, displaying a rather distracting "skintight" sweater look had this to say:

"I look good. I feel good. I score."

Typical of Team White's "take no prisoners" approach were the two goals that Matty Maclaren scored on his injured uncle after Georgie had received a vicious two-hander to the throat in a goal mouth scramble.

"He old. Me young. He faking. He breathe okay" said Matty when asked about his scoring outburst. "In the playoffs you have to find a way to score. Scoring good."

Has any team ever come back from a four goal deficit to take the series?

According to the stats, the answer is yes. But its going to take an inspired effort by Ronnie the K (who will be backing the Red Squad next week) to get this team back into the series.

We let Colonel Kohn have the final word:

"I didn't usurp Mr. Velagic to face this kind of shame" spat out the just confirmed captain. "Mark my words, there's going to be changes, Team Carter ain't gonna know what hit em."

Series resumes next week.

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Goal judges star in last game of regular season

Team Carter wins 9-7 to secure position in play-offs

It was Felix Ungaro, TNH's resident goal judge who summed it up best:

"Man, I haven't seen that kind of action since 2007."

Felix was referring to the classic fourth game of the TNH Championship- Lee vs. Christen - in April 2007. A nine-four victory that sealed the cup for Team Christen.

"Man were my thumbs tired after that one."

Though there were more goals in last night's goalie nightmare - a 9-7 a win for Team Carter - the fact that it wasn't a play-off match made the sting easier to bear.

Team Red Colonel, Michael "Killer" Kohn was un-phased by the result "I wanted to try a few new line combinations before the big series."

Peter "The Doctor" Ballyk responded to the Colonel's tinkering with (according to goalie Georgie Mac ) four goals.

"I like the way the Doctor's operating, if you know what I mean" said Kohn.

Especially since his star forward Livesay seems to be entering a "periodic" funk.
The Lipper left the ice with ten minutes to go last night for no apparent reason. When asked about his departure, Livesay had this to say:

"If I don't get to my post game yogurt at the right time, it tends to get to get too warm for my liking. I'm experimenting with various cooling techniques so I'm not distracted during the play-offs."

His teammates hope he finds the right combination as well.

The Colonel was also able to shore up his defensive troops,with the addition of Sean Giles* - a Cameron Smith disciple.

"With Lewis missing, Graves hurting, and Big Dave performing Paul Coffeyesque duties I need a little more hmmm, stability behind me."

Giles, a classic stay at home rearguard spent a lot of time on the ice last night, but only because (we hope) he wanted to impress the colonel.

And where the hell is the Kommandos star defenseman Lewis? Has boss man and business partner Velagic (former captain of the red squad) been acting out of spite by giving Mark extra duties, making him unavailable for his Tuesday Night duties?

"I'm not saying he's spiteful, but I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to see my name on the cup" offered Kohn. "I'm hoping Nedd lets him come out next week."

Is Team Carter finally coming together at the right time?

"I'm pretty optimistic about our chances of repeating" said a slightly reserved Carter. "Everyone is back and healthy and ready to go."

"On defense we got rookie Kris Millar playing like a vet, veteran Chasse playing like a rookie and Matty Maclaren's moving like he's on "Dancing With The Stars."I've got Travis Bickle Caron*back to give Stevie Dunn someone to pass to, and well, with Marancos over his lower body injury, the play of the twins has been exceptional. "Sedin-like" if you ask me."

Carter was referring to his deceptive pairing of Scott Driscoll and Kyle Marancos, "The Slim Boy Twins."

"Hey they're out there for a reason. Lets just say they create room, and opportunities for each other."

"I just like having the option of having them both to pass to" offered veteran centre Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen. "I think that's the key to us repeating."

And what are goal judge Felix's predictions?

"I'm not allowed to predict, as per the un-biased nature of my job. However, I'm going to make sure to have a few extra red bulbs available."

The play-offs begin next week.

*Has paid in full and thus qualifies for the play-offs

Graves Gone To Rehab

Rookie Red Defenseman Gary Graves returned to the fold last night after spending four weeks on the IRL with the suddenly fashionable "rotator cuff" injury. His return was marked by a dramatic entrance seldom seen on Tuesday Night.

Mr. Graves decided to dust off his favourite SS Uniform for the game in response to a motivational email sent by former commissioner and "agent provocateur" McGee that morning.


But why?

Sensing that the Canadian-German game would cause a noticeable rate of absenteeism, McGee's note suggested that any player who stayed at home was most likely a German sympathizer.

"It was all in good fun" said a defensive McGee when asked about his communication. "I can't predict how people will react."

McGee insisted we print the note.

"Sure you've been caught up in the nationalistic fervour surrounding
the under-achieving Canadian squad, but there are other duties in your life as well.

Work. Family. Showing up for Tuesday Night Hockey.

Need to know who's coming out and which one of you strudel loving bastards will be
staying at home to cheer on the Germans.

And this means you Mr. VonLivesay and all your Oakville (funny how that rhymes with Brazil) friends.

Roll Call!"

" I should have guessed from Mr. Graves response that he mis-understood the intention of my note" offered McGee. The transcript is below:

Ich bin NICHT ein Berliner.

I vill zee you at zee hockeyplatz tonight, ja?

G

Gary apparently mis-understood the meaning of my note, and for that I apologize" said a
seldom apologetic McGee. "I was merely trying to encourage attendance."

"Oh that's what it meant" responded Graves when asked about his attire. "I thought it meant show your German pride." According to some accounts Graves is 1/12th German on his mother's side and given occasionally to displays of Aryan hubris.

His attire was a source of tremendous outrage to Team Red Captain and JDL member in residence Michael Kohn.

"I'm deeply offended" said Michael. "Graves and McGee have stepped over the line. There will be repercussions."

Were not sure what, but Graves, normally Colonel Kohn's favourite defenseman, was relegated to spot duty for most of the evening. A spokesperson for Graves had this to stay:

"Mr. Graves is deeply sorry for having offended any ethnic and/or religious groups that might have been in the dressing room last night. As per doctor's orders he has been continuing to ingest large quantities of pain killers in order to function. This includes a "witches brew" mix of Demerol, Vicodin and the ever popular Oxycontin."

"Mr. Graves has gone cold turkey and admitted himself to a local facility. It is our sincere hope that Mr. Graves will be able to kick the habit and return to Mr. Kohn's side in time for the play-offs."

We here at TNH all wish Mr. Graves good luck with a speedy recovery from this recent setback.

Mr. Kohn who was rumoured to be on an El Al flight to Jerusalem could not be reached for comment.

Mr. Graves publicist would not reveal the address for the rehab facility.