Brothers Lee Threaten Lawsuit

The following is an official letter of protest and notice of intent to sue from the Lee Brothers appointed counsel, Paul Swanson.

The Lee Bros are deeply saddened by the vicious allegations regarding their involvement with the Battle of the Blades. They were involved in some transactions consummated with respect to the commerce of the event but those activities did not involve getting on the ice either in person or in costume.

Upon further investigations into the allegations, we have now gathered evidence and in fact, have obtained written statements from bystanders that the the couple spotted on ice were in fact "two males attempting to look oriental and may have been able to pulled it off if not for the female's wig continuously slipping to reveal a rather oversized, grotesque and folliclely-challenged cranium. The contestants were apparently chased out of the building and made a get-away in a older model Porsche.

Gordon "Bowling Boy" Lee had this to say "This is how rumours get started. Look at our combined history, do you think we'd know what to do on the ice if there isn't a guy in a mask to run into? Furthermore, anything that requires skating backwards is outta my league, I leave that to defencemen and the less masculine of men."

Brother Eugene adds "All I know is that Mr. Chasse and Goon Boy "Ned" purchased front row tickets from us right next to the judges. We've had our people review video tape from the show and we can't see them in those seats. We gave the the TNHL discount and they sold them to a guy in a bright orange jumpsuit with the ugliest date ever. You think we're going to give them that discount again? Not a chance!"

Herewith and forthwith we are demanding a complete and full retraction (and removal of) the allegations made public in Mr. Shmotz's column on this website, full restitution for personal and emotional damage for both Lee brothers , and the admission by Mr. Chasse that he does indeed enjoy wearing women's clothing if only to feel the breezes through his thighs.

Without Prejudice,

Paul Swanson,
Official Council for the Lee Brothers,
aka Lawyer Boy, aka Former Goon Boy

Make sure to checkout www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Lee Brothers Conspiracy?

No it’s not the name of a 70’s boogie band but rather a scary plot discovered by TNH's investigative reporter Bobby Shmotz.

The Lee Brothers, have been no-shows during the first half of the 2009-2010 TNH season and the rumours floating around the McCormick dressing rooms have been rampant. The public story is that Gord has an upper-body injury, and Eugene has a familial commitment. According to sources truth is far scarier.

“I know those brothers are tight, but I didn’t realize how far they would go to win something” commented White Team forward Scotty Driscoll.

The two brothers are legendary not only for their competitive spirit but for their loyalty to one another. But how far is too far when pursuing a winning obsession? If impersonation and dressing up in drag is too far, then they’ve reached the pinnacle.

According to insiders at CBC’s surprising hit “Blades of Glory” a couple of “oriental heritage” showed up at the open auditions for the show in Toronto in early August. The man claimed to be a member of the Chinese national hockey team and the woman (apparently we have to use that word carefully) said she was former Chinese figure skating champion Chen Lu.

“Man she was ugly. If that was Lu, then I think she should lay off on the noodles” said a fellow competitor.

However, the racially challenged show was so desperate to have anyone of alternate lineage perform -and apparently Albanian wasn't enough - they gladly welcomed the couple.

“Everything went well until the rehearsal before the first show” said another competitor. “The smaller man made a valiant attempt to lift Lu above his head but barely managed to get her/it off the ice. They were desperately off-balance and toppled heavily into the boards.”

When first aid reached them the site was not pretty.

“It was obvious that the woman (Lu) was wearing a wig, but heck I’ve seen a lot of ugly hairdos before" said one of the veteran hockey players in the show "and I've seen a lot of bad cross-dressing. If the man who was claiming to be Lu hadn’t insisted on wearing a thong we would have never guessed she wasn’t anything but a very ugly woman.”

The two Lee’s were removed from the set of the show immediately and charged for impersonation and fraud. When reached for comment, Gord Lee (who as a winner of the Bowling Ball Boy has toppled into the boards several times) had this to say “I’ve never worn a dress in my life.”

Yes but how about a tightly fitting figure skating outfit and a thong?

“No comment.”

Any attempt to reach Eugene for a comment has been thwarted

We can only hope that one of the Lee brothers steps forward to clear up the rumours and innuendo that have been circulating.

Perhaps tonight, McCormick Ice Palace 10pm.

Till Next Time,

Bobby Shmotz

Is Livesay being persecuted?

A six inch scar on his back. A deep bruise on his left calf. His right ear mottled and disfigured. It was an angry, pained Lawrie the Lip Livesay who took no pride in displaying the various wounds received in his TNHL battles.

"I'm spending more time in rehab then I am on the ice."

My God Lawrie! It looks like you've been through a war!

"They keep picking on me!"

Picking on you Lawrie, who?

"The White Team's defense, all of them. And now with Harp back, I'm never going to see the net again."

Livesay has been "miffed" (and I use that word lightly, and perhaps too often) by the clutching, grabbing, hacking and otherwise roguish, spiteful play of Team Carter's guardians of the blue: The Captain, The Commissioner and the just returned Hollywood Boy.

"I'm still trying to get the carbon fibres out of my back from last year's play-offs."

The normally mild-mannered athlete suffered serious abuse in last year's four game set and has had it up to his gills with the rough play in the White End this year.

"It's getting so I can't go back there without Carter tripping me or Big Head hacking me."

When reached for comment, Colonel Kohn, interim leader of the Red Squad had this to say: "The Lipper is one of my star players, I can't allow this abuse to continue. I'm going to make an official protest to the commish through proper channels."

And if that fails?

"Did you see that rather large man that we brought out last week?"

Yes.

"I have him on my speed dial. That Carter fella isn't as big as he thinks."

One can only wonder how that will turn out, especially with Commissioner "Collie" Chase acting as both perpetrator and adjudicator.

Is an independent tribunal in order? How about a three week suspension of the Evil Trio? No wait, we need the players. Perhaps the implied threat of a suspension and a stern talking to?

"I just want to play my game" said Livesay, "and be able to walk in the morning."

A simple goal for anyone to aspire to Mr. Livesay. The drama continues, tonight - McCormick Ice Palace, 10pm.

Be there.

Hazing a Bust. Balyk wins costume contest

"You call that a haze? Man I was in more pain after my peewee hazing."

It was a cocky Gary "GG" Graves talking tough after last night's TNH hazing at the McCormick Ice Palace.

Fellow rookie Kyle "nick name pending" Marancos, a close friend of Crossover Boy Bruce Bugden seemed equally disappointed: "where's the friggin' honey?" Bugden had promised the new rookie a pretty exciting evening in Parkdale. Marancos was in tears when he found out there was no Billy Bee to be found.

After promising the traditional "honey & blades" for this year's hazing, Commissioner Chasse decided to go easy on the two new rookies.

"It's hardly a hazing ritual if only two of the rookies show up now is it? Why the hell should I break out the blades?"

Mysteriously absent from last night's action were the Oakville rookie connection: Millar and Laton. Did veteran Livesay warn his new recruits?

There was no need LL, the government did the work for you.

Facing extreme criticism from the Human Rights commission, Chasse was forced to scale back on the hazing event, choosing a much more friendly approach to this years proceedings. Instead of the standard shave with a honey chaser - the event consisted of a balloon toss, a TNH trivia contest, and a Greco Roman wrestling event in the parking lot.

Graves and Marancos battled to a bloodless tie.

"Man, do these guys ever tap out fast" said a disappointed Captain Carter.

If that was a disappointment, how about the costume contest? Only two players showed up in suitable regalia: Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen chose the guise of a "sensitive, pass oriented hockey player" and Peter Balyk dressed up as "Pumpkinhead". When all was said and done, it was the doctor that took home the keys to the new Infiniti for his recreation of Pumpkin Head on skates.



"People were thinking I was going to go for Lecter, but I thought that was a little too obvious. Pumpkinhead has always been an inspiration to me" said Dr. Balyk after the event.

Despite wearing the heavy mask during the game, Balyk managed to score two goals in a losing effort.

"Just wait till I take this thing off next week."

Christen to his credit scored 4, or was it 5 goals?

"I try to stop counting at 3" said Christen in his new sensitive role "I like to focus on how well my teammates do and not let my prowess get in the way."

Lets see how long that lasts. Play resumes next week.

Where are the pucks Mr. Chase?

Turkey Boy's got a complaint...October 14-2009

After enduring a loss and a tie to begin the new season, Captain Andrew Carter of Team White is at a loss to explain the apathy of his squad.

"Sure we're missing Harp and Ashby back there, and maybe our forwards aren't up to speed yet but come on, when you don't have any pucks in the warm up - what the hell are we suppose to do?"

Seems Commissioner Chasse in yet another austerity move has cut back on the amount of pucks he lets "out of the bag" for the warm up.

"Yeah, so what's the problem?" was the answer from the defensive Chase. "Do they think these things grow on trees?* I bring out ten at the beginning of each season and that should be more than enough."

"Ten?" countered Carter "He brought out ten maybe two years ago, we're down to two aside now...and man you should see them its like a rat's been gnawing away at them..."

"There ain't no rats in my bag Carter! I run a clean operation."

"Are you calling this a rat? It's my chihuahua for Crisssakes! Tell Carter to go back to biology class!"

"Why don't you check Carter's bag" offered Chasse "I bet you there's a whole "lotta rubba" in there."

Will Chasse's frugality cause an irreparable rift in the ranks of the White team? We'll have to wait to see how this one turns out.

*Hey "Mr. Chassis", Jay Luiz Arabello has a message for you!

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

It was scoring, free beer, and a whole new attitude as Michael "Lost Boy" Kohn placed his definitive stamp on Team Velagic last night in his first game as interim captain.

The Red squad cruised to a 10-7 victory on the strength of Kohn's inspired leadership both on and off the ice.

"I try to lead by example" commented Kohn as he handed out free beer after the game. And what an example he was: potting one goal and assisting on three others.

Red Team Forwards Balyk, Livesay and Smith followed suit, scoring goals at a pace not unlike the 1985 Oilers.

Which begs the question: where was this kind of performance when Velagic was manning the bench?

"Mr. Velagic use to hit us with his stick and call us names" offered Cameron "Never Look Back" Smith. "Mr. Kohn, err Captain Kohn plys us with drinks and lets us do anything we want. Of course we'll do anythng he says."

The mood in the White dressing room wasn't so cheery.

"They came at us in swarms" said Commissioner Chasse as he slowly sipped one of Kohn's frosties "we couldn't stop them."

It was a short bench on both sides as several veterans opted to cheer on the Leafs instead of come out for a night of good clean hockey and male bonding.

The White Team were missing several key players from last year's championship squad, including defenseman Carter, "Hollywood Boy" Harp, Eugene "The Ripper" Lee and sophomore forward Paul Leblanc

"I can only hope we get some help next week" said Chasse "otherwise I'm going to have to start some lame parity campaign and try to rape and pillage the Red Team for its good forwards."

Will Chasse's ploy succeed? Will Harp finally show? Will Gord Woolley get off the couch?

Play resumes next week.

Velagic Chooses Kohn as interim captain

Velagic names Kohn as interim captain, Oct 2-09

The speculation is over, the thinking has ceased. A decision has been made.

"I want Kohn!"

In a stunning move, Nedd Velagic has named Michael (aka Killer, aka Lost Boy) Kohn as interim captain of the Red Squad till he returns from the IR, sometime this century.

And the question Nedd, on everyone's mind is this: "Why?"

"Mike and I have a unique relationship. I talk, he listens."

Kohn discusses line up changes with Velagic

Many thought the position would go to Velagic protege and Red Team defenseman Mark "Mountain Boy" Lewis. Velagic begs to differ.

"Mark's alright if you want scoring and superb defense, but I know the Kohner can handle my instruction and will deliver it with the right intonation in the dressing room."

Kohn, never shy with an opinion, is well known as an "expert analyst and motivator" much in the style of TSN pundit Pierre Maguire.

"I look forward to the Red squad finally giving me the respect I deserve" said Kohn. "Now they have to listen."

Or so he hopes. According to sources, Lewis is absolutely bitter about Velagic's oversight and plans a protest.

"We're ready for any protest that Mr. Lewis might launch" offered Kohn "for now this team is mine, all mine!"

Kohn will be exercising his new found power this Tuesday Night at the season opener. Be there.