White Team taking "Team Spirit" too far?

Things got out of hand last night, as the White squad , desperate to maintain the momentum established in last week's game met for an off-site team building exercise. Apparently, one of Team White's veteran leaders (who has an accent a Gout at the end of his name) wanted to play a little game of "prison" to simulate game conditions.

"Being in stir is a lot like being on the ice in an intensely competitive game. You gotta look out for your teammate like you'd look after your cellmate."

Perhaps, but how much care is too much? Let's hope this stuff doesn't spill over onto the ice.

Team Building out of control?

Is Maclaren choosing sides?

Click on the picture for a larger view.

Defensive Checklist

Here's a brief overview of what Team Kohn defenseman might consider bringing to the game tomorrow evening:

1) Jock (with extra tape, cause you left it on the ice a lot last week)

2) Gloves, perfect for holding the stick

3) Ability to accept blame - it can't be all the forwards fault.

4) Above than average support for goaltender Ronnie the K. Can we get him the first shutout of his TNH play-off career?

TNH Playoffs 2010- Game 1 - Team Carter 8 Kohn's Kommandos 4

Team Carter takes slight edge in series

What? How the hell did that happen? How the hell did the sluggish almost neanderthal Team White take an early (4) goal lead in the spring classic?

"We've been sandbagged" complained Team Red forward Cameron Smith, who despite spending most of the week under doctor's care, managed to make it out to the big game. "Where was all that offense in the regular season?"


It's called poker Cameron, albeit of the "liar" variety.

There was the typical 3H's (hooking, holding, hacking) by the White Team at both ends of the ice but it was really the uninspired play of both Team Kohn's forwards and defenseman that was probably the biggest reason for the defeat.

"I knew that when Graves forgot his jock and Fraser forgot his gloves that we might be in a little trouble" continued Kohn. "Distracted is not a good way to start a play-off series."

Both defenseman have been provided with a Kohner Kommandos checklist for next Tuesday's game.

The tension on Team Red's Bench was distinct with both sides blaming the other for failure to produce. The Team Carter bench was a little more robust, distinguished by the grunting and mean spirited cajoling that typically defines a species about to take the next evolutionary step. Rookie power forward Steve Dunn, displaying a rather distracting "skintight" sweater look had this to say:

"I look good. I feel good. I score."

Typical of Team White's "take no prisoners" approach were the two goals that Matty Maclaren scored on his injured uncle after Georgie had received a vicious two-hander to the throat in a goal mouth scramble.

"He old. Me young. He faking. He breathe okay" said Matty when asked about his scoring outburst. "In the playoffs you have to find a way to score. Scoring good."

Has any team ever come back from a four goal deficit to take the series?

According to the stats, the answer is yes. But its going to take an inspired effort by Ronnie the K (who will be backing the Red Squad next week) to get this team back into the series.

We let Colonel Kohn have the final word:

"I didn't usurp Mr. Velagic to face this kind of shame" spat out the just confirmed captain. "Mark my words, there's going to be changes, Team Carter ain't gonna know what hit em."

Series resumes next week.

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Goal judges star in last game of regular season

Team Carter wins 9-7 to secure position in play-offs

It was Felix Ungaro, TNH's resident goal judge who summed it up best:

"Man, I haven't seen that kind of action since 2007."

Felix was referring to the classic fourth game of the TNH Championship- Lee vs. Christen - in April 2007. A nine-four victory that sealed the cup for Team Christen.

"Man were my thumbs tired after that one."

Though there were more goals in last night's goalie nightmare - a 9-7 a win for Team Carter - the fact that it wasn't a play-off match made the sting easier to bear.

Team Red Colonel, Michael "Killer" Kohn was un-phased by the result "I wanted to try a few new line combinations before the big series."

Peter "The Doctor" Ballyk responded to the Colonel's tinkering with (according to goalie Georgie Mac ) four goals.

"I like the way the Doctor's operating, if you know what I mean" said Kohn.

Especially since his star forward Livesay seems to be entering a "periodic" funk.
The Lipper left the ice with ten minutes to go last night for no apparent reason. When asked about his departure, Livesay had this to say:

"If I don't get to my post game yogurt at the right time, it tends to get to get too warm for my liking. I'm experimenting with various cooling techniques so I'm not distracted during the play-offs."

His teammates hope he finds the right combination as well.

The Colonel was also able to shore up his defensive troops,with the addition of Sean Giles* - a Cameron Smith disciple.

"With Lewis missing, Graves hurting, and Big Dave performing Paul Coffeyesque duties I need a little more hmmm, stability behind me."

Giles, a classic stay at home rearguard spent a lot of time on the ice last night, but only because (we hope) he wanted to impress the colonel.

And where the hell is the Kommandos star defenseman Lewis? Has boss man and business partner Velagic (former captain of the red squad) been acting out of spite by giving Mark extra duties, making him unavailable for his Tuesday Night duties?

"I'm not saying he's spiteful, but I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to see my name on the cup" offered Kohn. "I'm hoping Nedd lets him come out next week."

Is Team Carter finally coming together at the right time?

"I'm pretty optimistic about our chances of repeating" said a slightly reserved Carter. "Everyone is back and healthy and ready to go."

"On defense we got rookie Kris Millar playing like a vet, veteran Chasse playing like a rookie and Matty Maclaren's moving like he's on "Dancing With The Stars."I've got Travis Bickle Caron*back to give Stevie Dunn someone to pass to, and well, with Marancos over his lower body injury, the play of the twins has been exceptional. "Sedin-like" if you ask me."

Carter was referring to his deceptive pairing of Scott Driscoll and Kyle Marancos, "The Slim Boy Twins."

"Hey they're out there for a reason. Lets just say they create room, and opportunities for each other."

"I just like having the option of having them both to pass to" offered veteran centre Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen. "I think that's the key to us repeating."

And what are goal judge Felix's predictions?

"I'm not allowed to predict, as per the un-biased nature of my job. However, I'm going to make sure to have a few extra red bulbs available."

The play-offs begin next week.

*Has paid in full and thus qualifies for the play-offs

Graves Gone To Rehab

Rookie Red Defenseman Gary Graves returned to the fold last night after spending four weeks on the IRL with the suddenly fashionable "rotator cuff" injury. His return was marked by a dramatic entrance seldom seen on Tuesday Night.

Mr. Graves decided to dust off his favourite SS Uniform for the game in response to a motivational email sent by former commissioner and "agent provocateur" McGee that morning.


But why?

Sensing that the Canadian-German game would cause a noticeable rate of absenteeism, McGee's note suggested that any player who stayed at home was most likely a German sympathizer.

"It was all in good fun" said a defensive McGee when asked about his communication. "I can't predict how people will react."

McGee insisted we print the note.

"Sure you've been caught up in the nationalistic fervour surrounding
the under-achieving Canadian squad, but there are other duties in your life as well.

Work. Family. Showing up for Tuesday Night Hockey.

Need to know who's coming out and which one of you strudel loving bastards will be
staying at home to cheer on the Germans.

And this means you Mr. VonLivesay and all your Oakville (funny how that rhymes with Brazil) friends.

Roll Call!"

" I should have guessed from Mr. Graves response that he mis-understood the intention of my note" offered McGee. The transcript is below:

Ich bin NICHT ein Berliner.

I vill zee you at zee hockeyplatz tonight, ja?

G

Gary apparently mis-understood the meaning of my note, and for that I apologize" said a
seldom apologetic McGee. "I was merely trying to encourage attendance."

"Oh that's what it meant" responded Graves when asked about his attire. "I thought it meant show your German pride." According to some accounts Graves is 1/12th German on his mother's side and given occasionally to displays of Aryan hubris.

His attire was a source of tremendous outrage to Team Red Captain and JDL member in residence Michael Kohn.

"I'm deeply offended" said Michael. "Graves and McGee have stepped over the line. There will be repercussions."

Were not sure what, but Graves, normally Colonel Kohn's favourite defenseman, was relegated to spot duty for most of the evening. A spokesperson for Graves had this to stay:

"Mr. Graves is deeply sorry for having offended any ethnic and/or religious groups that might have been in the dressing room last night. As per doctor's orders he has been continuing to ingest large quantities of pain killers in order to function. This includes a "witches brew" mix of Demerol, Vicodin and the ever popular Oxycontin."

"Mr. Graves has gone cold turkey and admitted himself to a local facility. It is our sincere hope that Mr. Graves will be able to kick the habit and return to Mr. Kohn's side in time for the play-offs."

We here at TNH all wish Mr. Graves good luck with a speedy recovery from this recent setback.

Mr. Kohn who was rumoured to be on an El Al flight to Jerusalem could not be reached for comment.

Mr. Graves publicist would not reveal the address for the rehab facility.

TNH Christmas Bash, 2009

A few select photos from last night's exciting Christmas Bash.

Clean Living Livesay (and Oakville Ringette scoring champ) chooses to opt out of party.
Mmmmm yogurt!

What Lawrie, and miss all this?

A ravenous defenseman gorges on the free snacks.

While his defensive partner takes a more civilized approach

Graves talks about a war wound.

While the culprit sits nearby, un-punished.

Two Commissioners.

"Esta hablo "hangover" Senor Cameron"

"Si Senor Davo, mi a much hangovero"

And the guilty shall not go un-punished. Veteran Defenseman Lewis prepares the interloper for a whupping in the parking lot.

Tuesday, 1145pm. Gardiner Expressway heading west to Oakville. The Caravan transporting the Oakville Ringette squad is stopped by RIDE.

Officer
Where have you gentlemen been tonight?

Larrry (not his real name)
Uhhh hockey..

Officer (suspicious)
Hockey huh? Had anything to drink?

Larry (again not his real name)
Uhhh no sir.

Officer
You're kidding right?

He leans into the driver side and takes a whiff.

Officer
What the hell is that on your breath?

Larry
Uhhh yoplait?

Officer
Yoplait?
(pulling his gun)
Get out of the car right now...

Fade to black.