TNH Playoffs 2010- Game 1 - Team Carter 8 Kohn's Kommandos 4

Team Carter takes slight edge in series

What? How the hell did that happen? How the hell did the sluggish almost neanderthal Team White take an early (4) goal lead in the spring classic?

"We've been sandbagged" complained Team Red forward Cameron Smith, who despite spending most of the week under doctor's care, managed to make it out to the big game. "Where was all that offense in the regular season?"


It's called poker Cameron, albeit of the "liar" variety.

There was the typical 3H's (hooking, holding, hacking) by the White Team at both ends of the ice but it was really the uninspired play of both Team Kohn's forwards and defenseman that was probably the biggest reason for the defeat.

"I knew that when Graves forgot his jock and Fraser forgot his gloves that we might be in a little trouble" continued Kohn. "Distracted is not a good way to start a play-off series."

Both defenseman have been provided with a Kohner Kommandos checklist for next Tuesday's game.

The tension on Team Red's Bench was distinct with both sides blaming the other for failure to produce. The Team Carter bench was a little more robust, distinguished by the grunting and mean spirited cajoling that typically defines a species about to take the next evolutionary step. Rookie power forward Steve Dunn, displaying a rather distracting "skintight" sweater look had this to say:

"I look good. I feel good. I score."

Typical of Team White's "take no prisoners" approach were the two goals that Matty Maclaren scored on his injured uncle after Georgie had received a vicious two-hander to the throat in a goal mouth scramble.

"He old. Me young. He faking. He breathe okay" said Matty when asked about his scoring outburst. "In the playoffs you have to find a way to score. Scoring good."

Has any team ever come back from a four goal deficit to take the series?

According to the stats, the answer is yes. But its going to take an inspired effort by Ronnie the K (who will be backing the Red Squad next week) to get this team back into the series.

We let Colonel Kohn have the final word:

"I didn't usurp Mr. Velagic to face this kind of shame" spat out the just confirmed captain. "Mark my words, there's going to be changes, Team Carter ain't gonna know what hit em."

Series resumes next week.

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Goal judges star in last game of regular season

Team Carter wins 9-7 to secure position in play-offs

It was Felix Ungaro, TNH's resident goal judge who summed it up best:

"Man, I haven't seen that kind of action since 2007."

Felix was referring to the classic fourth game of the TNH Championship- Lee vs. Christen - in April 2007. A nine-four victory that sealed the cup for Team Christen.

"Man were my thumbs tired after that one."

Though there were more goals in last night's goalie nightmare - a 9-7 a win for Team Carter - the fact that it wasn't a play-off match made the sting easier to bear.

Team Red Colonel, Michael "Killer" Kohn was un-phased by the result "I wanted to try a few new line combinations before the big series."

Peter "The Doctor" Ballyk responded to the Colonel's tinkering with (according to goalie Georgie Mac ) four goals.

"I like the way the Doctor's operating, if you know what I mean" said Kohn.

Especially since his star forward Livesay seems to be entering a "periodic" funk.
The Lipper left the ice with ten minutes to go last night for no apparent reason. When asked about his departure, Livesay had this to say:

"If I don't get to my post game yogurt at the right time, it tends to get to get too warm for my liking. I'm experimenting with various cooling techniques so I'm not distracted during the play-offs."

His teammates hope he finds the right combination as well.

The Colonel was also able to shore up his defensive troops,with the addition of Sean Giles* - a Cameron Smith disciple.

"With Lewis missing, Graves hurting, and Big Dave performing Paul Coffeyesque duties I need a little more hmmm, stability behind me."

Giles, a classic stay at home rearguard spent a lot of time on the ice last night, but only because (we hope) he wanted to impress the colonel.

And where the hell is the Kommandos star defenseman Lewis? Has boss man and business partner Velagic (former captain of the red squad) been acting out of spite by giving Mark extra duties, making him unavailable for his Tuesday Night duties?

"I'm not saying he's spiteful, but I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to see my name on the cup" offered Kohn. "I'm hoping Nedd lets him come out next week."

Is Team Carter finally coming together at the right time?

"I'm pretty optimistic about our chances of repeating" said a slightly reserved Carter. "Everyone is back and healthy and ready to go."

"On defense we got rookie Kris Millar playing like a vet, veteran Chasse playing like a rookie and Matty Maclaren's moving like he's on "Dancing With The Stars."I've got Travis Bickle Caron*back to give Stevie Dunn someone to pass to, and well, with Marancos over his lower body injury, the play of the twins has been exceptional. "Sedin-like" if you ask me."

Carter was referring to his deceptive pairing of Scott Driscoll and Kyle Marancos, "The Slim Boy Twins."

"Hey they're out there for a reason. Lets just say they create room, and opportunities for each other."

"I just like having the option of having them both to pass to" offered veteran centre Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen. "I think that's the key to us repeating."

And what are goal judge Felix's predictions?

"I'm not allowed to predict, as per the un-biased nature of my job. However, I'm going to make sure to have a few extra red bulbs available."

The play-offs begin next week.

*Has paid in full and thus qualifies for the play-offs

Graves Gone To Rehab

Rookie Red Defenseman Gary Graves returned to the fold last night after spending four weeks on the IRL with the suddenly fashionable "rotator cuff" injury. His return was marked by a dramatic entrance seldom seen on Tuesday Night.

Mr. Graves decided to dust off his favourite SS Uniform for the game in response to a motivational email sent by former commissioner and "agent provocateur" McGee that morning.


But why?

Sensing that the Canadian-German game would cause a noticeable rate of absenteeism, McGee's note suggested that any player who stayed at home was most likely a German sympathizer.

"It was all in good fun" said a defensive McGee when asked about his communication. "I can't predict how people will react."

McGee insisted we print the note.

"Sure you've been caught up in the nationalistic fervour surrounding
the under-achieving Canadian squad, but there are other duties in your life as well.

Work. Family. Showing up for Tuesday Night Hockey.

Need to know who's coming out and which one of you strudel loving bastards will be
staying at home to cheer on the Germans.

And this means you Mr. VonLivesay and all your Oakville (funny how that rhymes with Brazil) friends.

Roll Call!"

" I should have guessed from Mr. Graves response that he mis-understood the intention of my note" offered McGee. The transcript is below:

Ich bin NICHT ein Berliner.

I vill zee you at zee hockeyplatz tonight, ja?

G

Gary apparently mis-understood the meaning of my note, and for that I apologize" said a
seldom apologetic McGee. "I was merely trying to encourage attendance."

"Oh that's what it meant" responded Graves when asked about his attire. "I thought it meant show your German pride." According to some accounts Graves is 1/12th German on his mother's side and given occasionally to displays of Aryan hubris.

His attire was a source of tremendous outrage to Team Red Captain and JDL member in residence Michael Kohn.

"I'm deeply offended" said Michael. "Graves and McGee have stepped over the line. There will be repercussions."

Were not sure what, but Graves, normally Colonel Kohn's favourite defenseman, was relegated to spot duty for most of the evening. A spokesperson for Graves had this to stay:

"Mr. Graves is deeply sorry for having offended any ethnic and/or religious groups that might have been in the dressing room last night. As per doctor's orders he has been continuing to ingest large quantities of pain killers in order to function. This includes a "witches brew" mix of Demerol, Vicodin and the ever popular Oxycontin."

"Mr. Graves has gone cold turkey and admitted himself to a local facility. It is our sincere hope that Mr. Graves will be able to kick the habit and return to Mr. Kohn's side in time for the play-offs."

We here at TNH all wish Mr. Graves good luck with a speedy recovery from this recent setback.

Mr. Kohn who was rumoured to be on an El Al flight to Jerusalem could not be reached for comment.

Mr. Graves publicist would not reveal the address for the rehab facility.

TNH Christmas Bash, 2009

A few select photos from last night's exciting Christmas Bash.

Clean Living Livesay (and Oakville Ringette scoring champ) chooses to opt out of party.
Mmmmm yogurt!

What Lawrie, and miss all this?

A ravenous defenseman gorges on the free snacks.

While his defensive partner takes a more civilized approach

Graves talks about a war wound.

While the culprit sits nearby, un-punished.

Two Commissioners.

"Esta hablo "hangover" Senor Cameron"

"Si Senor Davo, mi a much hangovero"

And the guilty shall not go un-punished. Veteran Defenseman Lewis prepares the interloper for a whupping in the parking lot.

Tuesday, 1145pm. Gardiner Expressway heading west to Oakville. The Caravan transporting the Oakville Ringette squad is stopped by RIDE.

Officer
Where have you gentlemen been tonight?

Larrry (not his real name)
Uhhh hockey..

Officer (suspicious)
Hockey huh? Had anything to drink?

Larry (again not his real name)
Uhhh no sir.

Officer
You're kidding right?

He leans into the driver side and takes a whiff.

Officer
What the hell is that on your breath?

Larry
Uhhh yoplait?

Officer
Yoplait?
(pulling his gun)
Get out of the car right now...

Fade to black.

Brothers Lee Threaten Lawsuit

The following is an official letter of protest and notice of intent to sue from the Lee Brothers appointed counsel, Paul Swanson.

The Lee Bros are deeply saddened by the vicious allegations regarding their involvement with the Battle of the Blades. They were involved in some transactions consummated with respect to the commerce of the event but those activities did not involve getting on the ice either in person or in costume.

Upon further investigations into the allegations, we have now gathered evidence and in fact, have obtained written statements from bystanders that the the couple spotted on ice were in fact "two males attempting to look oriental and may have been able to pulled it off if not for the female's wig continuously slipping to reveal a rather oversized, grotesque and folliclely-challenged cranium. The contestants were apparently chased out of the building and made a get-away in a older model Porsche.

Gordon "Bowling Boy" Lee had this to say "This is how rumours get started. Look at our combined history, do you think we'd know what to do on the ice if there isn't a guy in a mask to run into? Furthermore, anything that requires skating backwards is outta my league, I leave that to defencemen and the less masculine of men."

Brother Eugene adds "All I know is that Mr. Chasse and Goon Boy "Ned" purchased front row tickets from us right next to the judges. We've had our people review video tape from the show and we can't see them in those seats. We gave the the TNHL discount and they sold them to a guy in a bright orange jumpsuit with the ugliest date ever. You think we're going to give them that discount again? Not a chance!"

Herewith and forthwith we are demanding a complete and full retraction (and removal of) the allegations made public in Mr. Shmotz's column on this website, full restitution for personal and emotional damage for both Lee brothers , and the admission by Mr. Chasse that he does indeed enjoy wearing women's clothing if only to feel the breezes through his thighs.

Without Prejudice,

Paul Swanson,
Official Council for the Lee Brothers,
aka Lawyer Boy, aka Former Goon Boy

Make sure to checkout www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Lee Brothers Conspiracy?

No it’s not the name of a 70’s boogie band but rather a scary plot discovered by TNH's investigative reporter Bobby Shmotz.

The Lee Brothers, have been no-shows during the first half of the 2009-2010 TNH season and the rumours floating around the McCormick dressing rooms have been rampant. The public story is that Gord has an upper-body injury, and Eugene has a familial commitment. According to sources truth is far scarier.

“I know those brothers are tight, but I didn’t realize how far they would go to win something” commented White Team forward Scotty Driscoll.

The two brothers are legendary not only for their competitive spirit but for their loyalty to one another. But how far is too far when pursuing a winning obsession? If impersonation and dressing up in drag is too far, then they’ve reached the pinnacle.

According to insiders at CBC’s surprising hit “Blades of Glory” a couple of “oriental heritage” showed up at the open auditions for the show in Toronto in early August. The man claimed to be a member of the Chinese national hockey team and the woman (apparently we have to use that word carefully) said she was former Chinese figure skating champion Chen Lu.

“Man she was ugly. If that was Lu, then I think she should lay off on the noodles” said a fellow competitor.

However, the racially challenged show was so desperate to have anyone of alternate lineage perform -and apparently Albanian wasn't enough - they gladly welcomed the couple.

“Everything went well until the rehearsal before the first show” said another competitor. “The smaller man made a valiant attempt to lift Lu above his head but barely managed to get her/it off the ice. They were desperately off-balance and toppled heavily into the boards.”

When first aid reached them the site was not pretty.

“It was obvious that the woman (Lu) was wearing a wig, but heck I’ve seen a lot of ugly hairdos before" said one of the veteran hockey players in the show "and I've seen a lot of bad cross-dressing. If the man who was claiming to be Lu hadn’t insisted on wearing a thong we would have never guessed she wasn’t anything but a very ugly woman.”

The two Lee’s were removed from the set of the show immediately and charged for impersonation and fraud. When reached for comment, Gord Lee (who as a winner of the Bowling Ball Boy has toppled into the boards several times) had this to say “I’ve never worn a dress in my life.”

Yes but how about a tightly fitting figure skating outfit and a thong?

“No comment.”

Any attempt to reach Eugene for a comment has been thwarted

We can only hope that one of the Lee brothers steps forward to clear up the rumours and innuendo that have been circulating.

Perhaps tonight, McCormick Ice Palace 10pm.

Till Next Time,

Bobby Shmotz

Is Livesay being persecuted?

A six inch scar on his back. A deep bruise on his left calf. His right ear mottled and disfigured. It was an angry, pained Lawrie the Lip Livesay who took no pride in displaying the various wounds received in his TNHL battles.

"I'm spending more time in rehab then I am on the ice."

My God Lawrie! It looks like you've been through a war!

"They keep picking on me!"

Picking on you Lawrie, who?

"The White Team's defense, all of them. And now with Harp back, I'm never going to see the net again."

Livesay has been "miffed" (and I use that word lightly, and perhaps too often) by the clutching, grabbing, hacking and otherwise roguish, spiteful play of Team Carter's guardians of the blue: The Captain, The Commissioner and the just returned Hollywood Boy.

"I'm still trying to get the carbon fibres out of my back from last year's play-offs."

The normally mild-mannered athlete suffered serious abuse in last year's four game set and has had it up to his gills with the rough play in the White End this year.

"It's getting so I can't go back there without Carter tripping me or Big Head hacking me."

When reached for comment, Colonel Kohn, interim leader of the Red Squad had this to say: "The Lipper is one of my star players, I can't allow this abuse to continue. I'm going to make an official protest to the commish through proper channels."

And if that fails?

"Did you see that rather large man that we brought out last week?"

Yes.

"I have him on my speed dial. That Carter fella isn't as big as he thinks."

One can only wonder how that will turn out, especially with Commissioner "Collie" Chase acting as both perpetrator and adjudicator.

Is an independent tribunal in order? How about a three week suspension of the Evil Trio? No wait, we need the players. Perhaps the implied threat of a suspension and a stern talking to?

"I just want to play my game" said Livesay, "and be able to walk in the morning."

A simple goal for anyone to aspire to Mr. Livesay. The drama continues, tonight - McCormick Ice Palace, 10pm.

Be there.