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Teams Tie in First Game of Reset Match

2010-04-21T11:38:00.005-04:00

With Kohn's Kommandos clinging to a one goal lead late in the game, Team Carter needed a little help from rink attendant Fritzie "The Snake" Curtis last night to eke out a tie in the first game of the "reset" series.

"I thought I was going to have a heart attack with all the extra time he gave us."
said Colonel Michael Kohn of the Red Squad

Fritzie (who rarely if ever grants extra time to the TNHL)seemed bound and determined not to go home until Team Carter tied it up last night. He managed to press the final buzzer at 11:10 just after the Carterites scored the tying goal.

When asked to comment, Fritzie, sucking on one of Kyle "I'm Not Scotty" Marancos fine White Team beers, had this to say:

"I didn't see no Red guys stuffing my Christmas stocking with CC, did you? Now Mr. Carter on the other hand, he looks after us. So what if I give a little extra time? It's the play-offs"

Yet another accusation of impropriety (and believe me, we're going to hopefully retire that word after this week) in a series that has been dominated by impropriety.

The TNHL Spring Classic, had up to now been dubbed as "The Series To Forget" due to the indifferent play and total domination by Team White. It was good to see the two teams settle down to good old fashioned play-off hockey. Last night's match was indeed a classic. The game was a spirited affair marked by the following (pick two only)

1. Hacking and holding by the White Squad
2. End to end action.
3. Consistent Red Team Confusion
4. Excellent goaltending.
5. Creative Goal Scoring
6. Selfish individual play

Commissioner Chase (who as always, picked #1 and #6) had this to say after the game:

"Parity Boy got his tie! Is he happy?" commented a still bitter Commissioner Chase.

McGee was his usual calm, albeit measured self when responding to Chase's outburst:

"I'm just a firm believer in sportsmanship and fair play. If Mr. Chase wasn't so focused on domination and anhilation and paid a little more attention to sportsmanship and his administrative duties, there would be no need for these drastic measures."

As most know, the series had been reset due to Chase's refusal to play by his own rules. The acting commissioner (in a continuing effort to be on the winning team every year) had bolstered his lineup with Steve "Almost A Doctor" Dunn, but hadn't collected his dues. Using an illegal player is strictly verboten in the storied league.

"It was an honest mistake" offered Chase for the last time.

Honest are not, the series now tied at five goals a piece, and the TNHL Championship comes down to one game - next week, 10pm McCormick Arena. With or without Fritzie, Team Carter has a major challenge on their hands.

Be there.

Don't be afraid to comment. It's your democratic right.

Harp Accuses TNHL Exec of Financial Improprieties

2010-04-15T14:14:00.007-04:00

Still reeling from accusations of being a pantywaist and a shirker, a bitter Paul Harp posts an ill-advised rant about corruption at high levels in the TNHL.

Good luck holding on to your few remaining friends Mr. Harp.

For Immediate Release:

Some of you may have questioned my indifference to not playing without the beloved fireman red long john combination. However, it goes much deeper than that, I could not be a party to the façade that Eddie “I don’t drive a Thrills gum-coloured Porsche” Chassé was weaving with his creative accounting. I stumbled upon the 2^nd set of books while trying to extricate myself from the “4 seater with a trunk” for all your sporting needs. How could I not, it was crushing my left testicle as we rode along at warp speed, Ed delicately balancing a coffee, smoke and his incessantly buzzing Blackberry mere inches from the tarmac.

Using my spelunking map light I could see plain as day the irregularities concerning Steve Dunn and others. Since then I have not let up in taking swipes at the man I called a friend and his “gum coloured” Porsche over in the white room.

Therefore, since I had an inkling that an unmarked, no return address envelope had made its way to the former Commish; I chose to refrain from being a part of the sick charade unfolding on the h’ice

Some may say I should have closed ranks, supported the Tim lovin’ leader but I could not stay silent. The irregularities are out in the open where they should be it’s just a shame he was never in front of the net. In that case a high rising shot from the point might have made him see sense, or at least question motive but that will forever be debated at the Cadillac.

Paul “Hollywood” Harp (on behalf of those who feel they have no voice)

Need to talk to Paul? You can't - but don't fret. You can donate to Paul's cause here - bitter@ineedasecondsetofredunderewearormyfriendswillkeepmakingfunofme.com

You can read more about the wacky antics of Paul and his friends here:

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Forgetful Series gets a reset

2010-04-14T07:58:00.007-04:00

A reset, what the hell does that mean?

In what journalists and pundits have been calling the "A Series To Forget", the TNHL 2010 Championship took another odd turn this morning as the league declared the first two games of the series "in default."

The series has been plagued by an assortment of memory lapses: players forgetting equipment, defenseman forgetting assignments, forwards forgetting how to score. The current commissioner did not want to be left out of this Alzheimer craze.

Turns out Chasse forgot his own rules- allowing a player to participate without paying his full dues. Former commissioner and now Head of Communication for the league, James McGee was asked to comment.

"Mr. Chasse asked me to send out a very simple directive at the end of the regular season - pay in full or don't play in the play-offs. When Red Team Captain Kohn made the official protest after the game last night, we had to investigate. "

"It was a clerical oversight" stated the usually monetarily fixated commissioner "I'm sure he had every intention."

Apparently intentions don't count. Unable to find a receipt, Chasse is now forced to declare a reset to the series. The question remains, who was the cause of this incredible precedent?

Turns out that it was none other than Team Carter rookie Steve Dunn, who has not paid his dues in full, thus negating the results of the first two games.

"C'mon, he's a struggling med student" said one White teammate. "We got to cut him some slack."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat....?" screeched Captain Carter when told of the news. "I'm going for two here."

Sorry Mr. Carter, but a rule is a rule. The slate must be cleared, we must start afresh in order to maintain the integrity of the TNHL. Without integrity we are nothing.

"Integrity? Who's running this league, the politburo? This reset is a Stalin tactic if there ever was one" commented a dejected Carer. "We whupped them twice, we'll whup em' again. I don't care how many times "the league" tries to change things."

In an omission of a lesser sort, but nonetheless in keeping with the lapse of memory theme, star defenseman Paul "Hollywood Boy" Harp refused to play for Team Carter because he hmmm...forgot his underwear.

"I can't stand the feeling of my hockey equipment against my body."

Though Carter and Marancos pleaded with their defensive partner to at least try going "commando" for one night only, Harp would not relent.

"I'm a shell of a man without my long johns. Do you know where this stuff has been? I'm not letting this touch my skin."

Turns out Team Carter didn't need Harp's help at all as they cruised to an easy 7-2 victory in last night's game - despite Red Team goalie Ronnie the K's valiant effort to keep things close. Matt "Blackberry Boy" Maclaren, the aforementioned Steve "See Me On Payday" Dunn and the newly invigorated Scotty "Don't call me Kyle" Driscoll were among the scorers for Team Carter.

But alas, the victory was in vain, an an almost insurmountable 15-6 total goal tally will be wiped from the record.

"I'm looking forward to starting afresh" said a glowing Kohn "it's the right thing to do."

So for the first time in league history the final series gets a reset and boils down to a two game, total goal series. Let's hope everyone remembers to show up. For those seeking equipment cleaning or an extra set of underclothing, we have attached the links below.

http://www.victoriassecret.com/

http://www.kleennhardsports.com/Equipment_Kleening/equipment_kleening.htm

White Team taking "Team Spirit" too far?

2010-04-13T08:32:00.004-04:00

Things got out of hand last night, as the White squad , desperate to maintain the momentum established in last week's game met for an off-site team building exercise. Apparently, one of Team White's veteran leaders (who has an accent a Gout at the end of his name) wanted to play a little game of "prison" to simulate game conditions.

"Being in stir is a lot like being on the ice in an intensely competitive game. You gotta look out for your teammate like you'd look after your cellmate."

Perhaps, but how much care is too much? Let's hope this stuff doesn't spill over onto the ice.

Team Building out of control?

Is Maclaren choosing sides?

2010-04-13T08:30:00.003-04:00

Click on the picture for a larger view.

Defensive Checklist

2010-04-12T14:54:00.003-04:00

Here's a brief overview of what Team Kohn defenseman might consider bringing to the game tomorrow evening:

1) Jock (with extra tape, cause you left it on the ice a lot last week)

2) Gloves, perfect for holding the stick

3) Ability to accept blame - it can't be all the forwards fault.

4) Above than average support for goaltender Ronnie the K. Can we get him the first shutout of his TNH play-off career?

TNH Playoffs 2010- Game 1 - Team Carter 8 Kohn's Kommandos 4

2010-04-07T09:14:00.008-04:00

Team Carter takes slight edge in series

What? How the hell did that happen? How the hell did the sluggish almost neanderthal Team White take an early (4) goal lead in the spring classic?

"We've been sandbagged" complained Team Red forward Cameron Smith, who despite spending most of the week under doctor's care, managed to make it out to the big game. "Where was all that offense in the regular season?"

It's called poker Cameron, albeit of the "liar" variety.

There was the typical 3H's (hooking, holding, hacking) by the White Team at both ends of the ice but it was really the uninspired play of both Team Kohn's forwards and defenseman that was probably the biggest reason for the defeat.

"I knew that when Graves forgot his jock and Fraser forgot his gloves that we might be in a little trouble" continued Kohn. "Distracted is not a good way to start a play-off series."

Both defenseman have been provided with a Kohner Kommandos checklist for next Tuesday's game.

The tension on Team Red's Bench was distinct with both sides blaming the other for failure to produce. The Team Carter bench was a little more robust, distinguished by the grunting and mean spirited cajoling that typically defines a species about to take the next evolutionary step. Rookie power forward Steve Dunn, displaying a rather distracting "skintight" sweater look had this to say:

"I look good. I feel good. I score."

Typical of Team White's "take no prisoners" approach were the two goals that Matty Maclaren scored on his injured uncle after Georgie had received a vicious two-hander to the throat in a goal mouth scramble.

"He old. Me young. He faking. He breathe okay" said Matty when asked about his scoring outburst. "In the playoffs you have to find a way to score. Scoring good."

Has any team ever come back from a four goal deficit to take the series?

According to the stats, the answer is yes. But its going to take an inspired effort by Ronnie the K (who will be backing the Red Squad next week) to get this team back into the series.

We let Colonel Kohn have the final word:

"I didn't usurp Mr. Velagic to face this kind of shame" spat out the just confirmed captain. "Mark my words, there's going to be changes, Team Carter ain't gonna know what hit em."

Series resumes next week.

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Goal judges star in last game of regular season

2010-03-31T08:11:00.006-04:00

Team Carter wins 9-7 to secure position in play-offs

It was Felix Ungaro, TNH's resident goal judge who summed it up best:

"Man, I haven't seen that kind of action since 2007."

Felix was referring to the classic fourth game of the TNH Championship- Lee vs. Christen - in April 2007. A nine-four victory that sealed the cup for Team Christen.

"Man were my thumbs tired after that one."

Though there were more goals in last night's goalie nightmare - a 9-7 a win for Team Carter - the fact that it wasn't a play-off match made the sting easier to bear.

Team Red Colonel, Michael "Killer" Kohn was un-phased by the result "I wanted to try a few new line combinations before the big series."

Peter "The Doctor" Ballyk responded to the Colonel's tinkering with (according to goalie Georgie Mac ) four goals.

"I like the way the Doctor's operating, if you know what I mean" said Kohn.

Especially since his star forward Livesay seems to be entering a "periodic" funk.
The Lipper left the ice with ten minutes to go last night for no apparent reason. When asked about his departure, Livesay had this to say:

"If I don't get to my post game yogurt at the right time, it tends to get to get too warm for my liking. I'm experimenting with various cooling techniques so I'm not distracted during the play-offs."

His teammates hope he finds the right combination as well.

The Colonel was also able to shore up his defensive troops,with the addition of Sean Giles* - a Cameron Smith disciple.

"With Lewis missing, Graves hurting, and Big Dave performing Paul Coffeyesque duties I need a little more hmmm, stability behind me."

Giles, a classic stay at home rearguard spent a lot of time on the ice last night, but only because (we hope) he wanted to impress the colonel.

And where the hell is the Kommandos star defenseman Lewis? Has boss man and business partner Velagic (former captain of the red squad) been acting out of spite by giving Mark extra duties, making him unavailable for his Tuesday Night duties?

"I'm not saying he's spiteful, but I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to see my name on the cup" offered Kohn. "I'm hoping Nedd lets him come out next week."

Is Team Carter finally coming together at the right time?

"I'm pretty optimistic about our chances of repeating" said a slightly reserved Carter. "Everyone is back and healthy and ready to go."

"On defense we got rookie Kris Millar playing like a vet, veteran Chasse playing like a rookie and Matty Maclaren's moving like he's on "Dancing With The Stars."I've got Travis Bickle Caron*back to give Stevie Dunn someone to pass to, and well, with Marancos over his lower body injury, the play of the twins has been exceptional. "Sedin-like" if you ask me."

Carter was referring to his deceptive pairing of Scott Driscoll and Kyle Marancos, "The Slim Boy Twins."

"Hey they're out there for a reason. Lets just say they create room, and opportunities for each other."

"I just like having the option of having them both to pass to" offered veteran centre Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen. "I think that's the key to us repeating."

And what are goal judge Felix's predictions?

"I'm not allowed to predict, as per the un-biased nature of my job. However, I'm going to make sure to have a few extra red bulbs available."

The play-offs begin next week.

*Has paid in full and thus qualifies for the play-offs

Graves Gone To Rehab

2010-02-24T09:51:00.010-05:00

Rookie Red Defenseman Gary Graves returned to the fold last night after spending four weeks on the IRL with the suddenly fashionable "rotator cuff" injury. His return was marked by a dramatic entrance seldom seen on Tuesday Night.

Mr. Graves decided to dust off his favourite SS Uniform for the game in response to a motivational email sent by former commissioner and "agent provocateur" McGee that morning.

But why?

Sensing that the Canadian-German game would cause a noticeable rate of absenteeism, McGee's note suggested that any player who stayed at home was most likely a German sympathizer.

"It was all in good fun" said a defensive McGee when asked about his communication. "I can't predict how people will react."

McGee insisted we print the note.

"Sure you've been caught up in the nationalistic fervour surrounding
the under-achieving Canadian squad, but there are other duties in your life as well.

Work. Family. Showing up for Tuesday Night Hockey.

Need to know who's coming out and which one of you strudel loving bastards will be
staying at home to cheer on the Germans.

And this means you Mr. VonLivesay and all your Oakville (funny how that rhymes with Brazil) friends.

Roll Call!"

" I should have guessed from Mr. Graves response that he mis-understood the intention of my note" offered McGee. The transcript is below:

Ich bin NICHT ein Berliner.

I vill zee you at zee hockeyplatz tonight, ja?

G

Gary apparently mis-understood the meaning of my note, and for that I apologize" said a
seldom apologetic McGee. "I was merely trying to encourage attendance."

"Oh that's what it meant" responded Graves when asked about his attire. "I thought it meant show your German pride." According to some accounts Graves is 1/12th German on his mother's side and given occasionally to displays of Aryan hubris.

His attire was a source of tremendous outrage to Team Red Captain and JDL member in residence Michael Kohn.

"I'm deeply offended" said Michael. "Graves and McGee have stepped over the line. There will be repercussions."

Were not sure what, but Graves, normally Colonel Kohn's favourite defenseman, was relegated to spot duty for most of the evening. A spokesperson for Graves had this to stay:

"Mr. Graves is deeply sorry for having offended any ethnic and/or religious groups that might have been in the dressing room last night. As per doctor's orders he has been continuing to ingest large quantities of pain killers in order to function. This includes a "witches brew" mix of Demerol, Vicodin and the ever popular Oxycontin."

"Mr. Graves has gone cold turkey and admitted himself to a local facility. It is our sincere hope that Mr. Graves will be able to kick the habit and return to Mr. Kohn's side in time for the play-offs."

We here at TNH all wish Mr. Graves good luck with a speedy recovery from this recent setback.

Mr. Kohn who was rumoured to be on an El Al flight to Jerusalem could not be reached for comment.

Mr. Graves publicist would not reveal the address for the rehab facility.

TNH Christmas Bash, 2009

2009-12-23T10:15:00.012-05:00

A few select photos from last night's exciting Christmas Bash.

Clean Living Livesay (and Oakville Ringette scoring champ) chooses to opt out of party.
Mmmmm yogurt!

What Lawrie, and miss all this?

A ravenous defenseman gorges on the free snacks.

While his defensive partner takes a more civilized approach

Graves talks about a war wound.

While the culprit sits nearby, un-punished.

Two Commissioners.

"Esta hablo "hangover" Senor Cameron"

"Si Senor Davo, mi a much hangovero"

And the guilty shall not go un-punished. Veteran Defenseman Lewis prepares the interloper for a whupping in the parking lot.

Tuesday, 1145pm. Gardiner Expressway heading west to Oakville. The Caravan transporting the Oakville Ringette squad is stopped by RIDE.

Officer
Where have you gentlemen been tonight?

Larrry (not his real name)
Uhhh hockey..

Officer (suspicious)
Hockey huh? Had anything to drink?

Larry (again not his real name)
Uhhh no sir.

Officer
You're kidding right?

He leans into the driver side and takes a whiff.

Officer
What the hell is that on your breath?

Larry
Uhhh yoplait?

Officer
Yoplait?
(pulling his gun)
Get out of the car right now...

Fade to black.

Brothers Lee Threaten Lawsuit

2009-12-08T09:56:00.001-05:00

The following is an official letter of protest and notice of intent to sue from the Lee Brothers appointed counsel, Paul Swanson.

The Lee Bros are deeply saddened by the vicious allegations regarding their involvement with the Battle of the Blades. They were involved in some transactions consummated with respect to the commerce of the event but those activities did not involve getting on the ice either in person or in costume.

Upon further investigations into the allegations, we have now gathered evidence and in fact, have obtained written statements from bystanders that the the couple spotted on ice were in fact "two males attempting to look oriental and may have been able to pulled it off if not for the female's wig continuously slipping to reveal a rather oversized, grotesque and folliclely-challenged cranium. The contestants were apparently chased out of the building and made a get-away in a older model Porsche.

Gordon "Bowling Boy" Lee had this to say "This is how rumours get started. Look at our combined history, do you think we'd know what to do on the ice if there isn't a guy in a mask to run into? Furthermore, anything that requires skating backwards is outta my league, I leave that to defencemen and the less masculine of men."

Brother Eugene adds "All I know is that Mr. Chasse and Goon Boy "Ned" purchased front row tickets from us right next to the judges. We've had our people review video tape from the show and we can't see them in those seats. We gave the the TNHL discount and they sold them to a guy in a bright orange jumpsuit with the ugliest date ever. You think we're going to give them that discount again? Not a chance!"

Herewith and forthwith we are demanding a complete and full retraction (and removal of) the allegations made public in Mr. Shmotz's column on this website, full restitution for personal and emotional damage for both Lee brothers , and the admission by Mr. Chasse that he does indeed enjoy wearing women's clothing if only to feel the breezes through his thighs.

Without Prejudice,

Paul Swanson,
Official Council for the Lee Brothers,
aka Lawyer Boy, aka Former Goon Boy

Make sure to checkout www.tuesdaynighthockey.com

Lee Brothers Conspiracy?

2009-11-24T09:59:00.009-05:00

No it’s not the name of a 70’s boogie band but rather a scary plot discovered by TNH's investigative reporter Bobby Shmotz.

The Lee Brothers, have been no-shows during the first half of the 2009-2010 TNH season and the rumours floating around the McCormick dressing rooms have been rampant. The public story is that Gord has an upper-body injury, and Eugene has a familial commitment. According to sources truth is far scarier.

“I know those brothers are tight, but I didn’t realize how far they would go to win something” commented White Team forward Scotty Driscoll.

The two brothers are legendary not only for their competitive spirit but for their loyalty to one another. But how far is too far when pursuing a winning obsession? If impersonation and dressing up in drag is too far, then they’ve reached the pinnacle.

According to insiders at CBC’s surprising hit “Blades of Glory” a couple of “oriental heritage” showed up at the open auditions for the show in Toronto in early August. The man claimed to be a member of the Chinese national hockey team and the woman (apparently we have to use that word carefully) said she was former Chinese figure skating champion Chen Lu.

“Man she was ugly. If that was Lu, then I think she should lay off on the noodles” said a fellow competitor.

However, the racially challenged show was so desperate to have anyone of alternate lineage perform -and apparently Albanian wasn't enough - they gladly welcomed the couple.

“Everything went well until the rehearsal before the first show” said another competitor. “The smaller man made a valiant attempt to lift Lu above his head but barely managed to get her/it off the ice. They were desperately off-balance and toppled heavily into the boards.”

When first aid reached them the site was not pretty.

“It was obvious that the woman (Lu) was wearing a wig, but heck I’ve seen a lot of ugly hairdos before" said one of the veteran hockey players in the show "and I've seen a lot of bad cross-dressing. If the man who was claiming to be Lu hadn’t insisted on wearing a thong we would have never guessed she wasn’t anything but a very ugly woman.”

The two Lee’s were removed from the set of the show immediately and charged for impersonation and fraud. When reached for comment, Gord Lee (who as a winner of the Bowling Ball Boy has toppled into the boards several times) had this to say “I’ve never worn a dress in my life.”

Yes but how about a tightly fitting figure skating outfit and a thong?

“No comment.”

Any attempt to reach Eugene for a comment has been thwarted

We can only hope that one of the Lee brothers steps forward to clear up the rumours and innuendo that have been circulating.

Perhaps tonight, McCormick Ice Palace 10pm.

Till Next Time,

Bobby Shmotz

Is Livesay being persecuted?

2009-11-10T07:21:00.005-05:00

A six inch scar on his back. A deep bruise on his left calf. His right ear mottled and disfigured. It was an angry, pained Lawrie the Lip Livesay who took no pride in displaying the various wounds received in his TNHL battles.

"I'm spending more time in rehab then I am on the ice."

My God Lawrie! It looks like you've been through a war!

"They keep picking on me!"

Picking on you Lawrie, who?

"The White Team's defense, all of them. And now with Harp back, I'm never going to see the net again."

Livesay has been "miffed" (and I use that word lightly, and perhaps too often) by the clutching, grabbing, hacking and otherwise roguish, spiteful play of Team Carter's guardians of the blue: The Captain, The Commissioner and the just returned Hollywood Boy.

"I'm still trying to get the carbon fibres out of my back from last year's play-offs."

The normally mild-mannered athlete suffered serious abuse in last year's four game set and has had it up to his gills with the rough play in the White End this year.

"It's getting so I can't go back there without Carter tripping me or Big Head hacking me."

When reached for comment, Colonel Kohn, interim leader of the Red Squad had this to say: "The Lipper is one of my star players, I can't allow this abuse to continue. I'm going to make an official protest to the commish through proper channels."

And if that fails?

"Did you see that rather large man that we brought out last week?"

Yes.

"I have him on my speed dial. That Carter fella isn't as big as he thinks."

One can only wonder how that will turn out, especially with Commissioner "Collie" Chase acting as both perpetrator and adjudicator.

Is an independent tribunal in order? How about a three week suspension of the Evil Trio? No wait, we need the players. Perhaps the implied threat of a suspension and a stern talking to?

"I just want to play my game" said Livesay, "and be able to walk in the morning."

A simple goal for anyone to aspire to Mr. Livesay. The drama continues, tonight - McCormick Ice Palace, 10pm.

Be there.

Hazing a Bust. Balyk wins costume contest

2009-10-28T09:50:00.008-04:00

"You call that a haze? Man I was in more pain after my peewee hazing."

It was a cocky Gary "GG" Graves talking tough after last night's TNH hazing at the McCormick Ice Palace.

Fellow rookie Kyle "nick name pending" Marancos, a close friend of Crossover Boy Bruce Bugden seemed equally disappointed: "where's the friggin' honey?" Bugden had promised the new rookie a pretty exciting evening in Parkdale. Marancos was in tears when he found out there was no Billy Bee to be found.

After promising the traditional "honey & blades" for this year's hazing, Commissioner Chasse decided to go easy on the two new rookies.

"It's hardly a hazing ritual if only two of the rookies show up now is it? Why the hell should I break out the blades?"

Mysteriously absent from last night's action were the Oakville rookie connection: Millar and Laton. Did veteran Livesay warn his new recruits?

There was no need LL, the government did the work for you.

Facing extreme criticism from the Human Rights commission, Chasse was forced to scale back on the hazing event, choosing a much more friendly approach to this years proceedings. Instead of the standard shave with a honey chaser - the event consisted of a balloon toss, a TNH trivia contest, and a Greco Roman wrestling event in the parking lot.

Graves and Marancos battled to a bloodless tie.

"Man, do these guys ever tap out fast" said a disappointed Captain Carter.

If that was a disappointment, how about the costume contest? Only two players showed up in suitable regalia: Brett "Breakaway Boy" Christen chose the guise of a "sensitive, pass oriented hockey player" and Peter Balyk dressed up as "Pumpkinhead". When all was said and done, it was the doctor that took home the keys to the new Infiniti for his recreation of Pumpkin Head on skates.

"People were thinking I was going to go for Lecter, but I thought that was a little too obvious. Pumpkinhead has always been an inspiration to me" said Dr. Balyk after the event.

Despite wearing the heavy mask during the game, Balyk managed to score two goals in a losing effort.

"Just wait till I take this thing off next week."

Christen to his credit scored 4, or was it 5 goals?

"I try to stop counting at 3" said Christen in his new sensitive role "I like to focus on how well my teammates do and not let my prowess get in the way."

Lets see how long that lasts. Play resumes next week.

Where are the pucks Mr. Chase?

2009-10-15T07:42:00.005-04:00

Turkey Boy's got a complaint...October 14-2009

After enduring a loss and a tie to begin the new season, Captain Andrew Carter of Team White is at a loss to explain the apathy of his squad.

"Sure we're missing Harp and Ashby back there, and maybe our forwards aren't up to speed yet but come on, when you don't have any pucks in the warm up - what the hell are we suppose to do?"

Seems Commissioner Chasse in yet another austerity move has cut back on the amount of pucks he lets "out of the bag" for the warm up.

"Yeah, so what's the problem?" was the answer from the defensive Chase. "Do they think these things grow on trees?* I bring out ten at the beginning of each season and that should be more than enough."

"Ten?" countered Carter "He brought out ten maybe two years ago, we're down to two aside now...and man you should see them its like a rat's been gnawing away at them..."

"There ain't no rats in my bag Carter! I run a clean operation."

"Are you calling this a rat? It's my chihuahua for Crisssakes! Tell Carter to go back to biology class!"

"Why don't you check Carter's bag" offered Chasse "I bet you there's a whole "lotta rubba" in there."

Will Chasse's frugality cause an irreparable rift in the ranks of the White team? We'll have to wait to see how this one turns out.

*Hey "Mr. Chassis", Jay Luiz Arabello has a message for you!

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

2009-10-08T07:28:00.001-04:00

Captain Kohn? We're gonna call him Colonel! October 7-2009

It was scoring, free beer, and a whole new attitude as Michael "Lost Boy" Kohn placed his definitive stamp on Team Velagic last night in his first game as interim captain.

The Red squad cruised to a 10-7 victory on the strength of Kohn's inspired leadership both on and off the ice.

"I try to lead by example" commented Kohn as he handed out free beer after the game. And what an example he was: potting one goal and assisting on three others.

Red Team Forwards Balyk, Livesay and Smith followed suit, scoring goals at a pace not unlike the 1985 Oilers.

Which begs the question: where was this kind of performance when Velagic was manning the bench?

"Mr. Velagic use to hit us with his stick and call us names" offered Cameron "Never Look Back" Smith. "Mr. Kohn, err Captain Kohn plys us with drinks and lets us do anything we want. Of course we'll do anythng he says."

The mood in the White dressing room wasn't so cheery.

"They came at us in swarms" said Commissioner Chasse as he slowly sipped one of Kohn's frosties "we couldn't stop them."

It was a short bench on both sides as several veterans opted to cheer on the Leafs instead of come out for a night of good clean hockey and male bonding.

The White Team were missing several key players from last year's championship squad, including defenseman Carter, "Hollywood Boy" Harp, Eugene "The Ripper" Lee and sophomore forward Paul Leblanc

"I can only hope we get some help next week" said Chasse "otherwise I'm going to have to start some lame parity campaign and try to rape and pillage the Red Team for its good forwards."

Will Chasse's ploy succeed? Will Harp finally show? Will Gord Woolley get off the couch?

Play resumes next week.

Velagic Chooses Kohn as interim captain

2009-10-05T07:22:00.004-04:00

Velagic names Kohn as interim captain, Oct 2-09

The speculation is over, the thinking has ceased. A decision has been made.

"I want Kohn!"

In a stunning move, Nedd Velagic has named Michael (aka Killer, aka Lost Boy) Kohn as interim captain of the Red Squad till he returns from the IR, sometime this century.

And the question Nedd, on everyone's mind is this: "Why?"

"Mike and I have a unique relationship. I talk, he listens."

Kohn discusses line up changes with Velagic

Many thought the position would go to Velagic protege and Red Team defenseman Mark "Mountain Boy" Lewis. Velagic begs to differ.

"Mark's alright if you want scoring and superb defense, but I know the Kohner can handle my instruction and will deliver it with the right intonation in the dressing room."

Kohn, never shy with an opinion, is well known as an "expert analyst and motivator" much in the style of TSN pundit Pierre Maguire.

"I look forward to the Red squad finally giving me the respect I deserve" said Kohn. "Now they have to listen."

Or so he hopes. According to sources, Lewis is absolutely bitter about Velagic's oversight and plans a protest.

"We're ready for any protest that Mr. Lewis might launch" offered Kohn "for now this team is mine, all mine!"

Kohn will be exercising his new found power this Tuesday Night at the season opener. Be there.

Chassé Scouts Leafs

2009-09-29T09:07:00.005-04:00

Chassé scouting Leafs? September 28-09

It was a desperate Eddy Chassé, (aka "La Gros Tete") TNHL commissioner and avowed Leaf hater who attended the final game at Maple Leaf Gardens on Saturday night, desperate to find recruits for his Tuesday Night League.

"Just don't tell my friends in Montreal I was here."

But why were you in attendance Mr. Chase?

"I'm looking for a little veteran help if you know what I mean."

Chassé has been dealing with severe "veteran apathy" during the month of September and felt compelled to do something about it.

"I'm not looking for a lot of talent, just some guys that are willing to make the week to week commitment."

Though rumoured to have offered a one way contract to both Jason Alison and rookie Kadri, the commissioner was apparently turned down.

"Hey we didn't need that Kadri's speed and positive attitude anyway. But Alison, I think he might be ready."

Chasse's search for committed veterans continues. The final game of the exhibition season goes tonight at the McCormick Ice Palace.

Got a cheque book and a pair of skates? Send your hockey resume here: info@tuesdaynighthockey.com

The Night Michael Kohn Paid Up

2009-09-23T08:33:00.007-04:00

McCormick Arena was abuzz last night with news of an imminent cash transaction.

"Kohn's going to pay?"

"He's got money?"

"What about his kids?"

As Michael entered the veteran's dressing room, a strange hush fell over those gathered.

"I've never seen Kohn pay this early before, is everything okay?" remarked George Maclaren.

"Perhaps that concussion hasn't worn off" added Ringer Boy Bugden.

Kohn has been a cause for concern ever since experiencing a slight cranial re-adjustment during summer league play.

"You don't think his concussion has made him forget his frugal ways?"

Chasse quickly put an end to the speculation: "hey guys, maybe Mike just wants to play. Have you ever thought of that?"

Seems the veteran Lost Boy is ready to make his earliest commitment ever in his long TNH career. Could this possibly be a harbinger of things to come? Would other veterans follow suit?

"I can only hope" remarked Commissioner Chasse as he carefully counted Michael's wad.

Tuesday Night Hockey has been plagued this year by a record number of veteran no-shows in the early going. The situation is so desperate that Chasse had to bring McGee out of retirement.

"Look at him over there. It makes me want a cry. Why if he can make it out..."

Indeed Ed, why not. Especially since the exhibition season is 75% over and there are still positions wide open. Particulary the ones on the bench.

Maybe next week huh Ed?

"Maybe. And I hope they bring their chequebooks."

Exhibition season concludes next Tuesday. Regular season starts on Oct. 6th.

www.tuesdaynighthockey.com
info@tuesdaynighthockey.com

Carter wins Championship, April 28-09

2009-04-30T20:53:00.000-04:00

Harp returns to lead Team Carter to Championship

After missing the first and third game of the four game series, former TNH captain Paul Harp returned to the fold last night and lead Team Carter to a 4-3 victory in the final game of the season. The one goal margin was enough to give the White Boys a 2 goal advantage in the championship and the right to call themselves “TNH Hockey Champs.”

“I was just glad to have him back” said Team Captain Carter. “It was like having a second coach out there. I was getting sick of yelling at Chasse to stay on his side and tired of stopping Lee from taking all those breakaways. And Leblanc? Don't get me started. Lets just say I'll be dangling him as trade bait in the Fall.”

Harp potted two to lead his teammates to the victory despite complaining of “an indeterminate upper body injury.” It was a valiant effort for sure, almost as impressive as Captain Velagic playing with one arm for the duration of the series.

But what about Harp's mysterious ailment? We're not so sure it was as “indeterminate”as Harp made out. The TNH Insider (the exclusive gossip show of the TNHL) revealed this little tidbit on last night's show. Seems the Hollywood Boy, in an effort to make the cut for “Hercules, The Early Years” was having a little reconstruction work done in the aforementioned area.

Harp, absolutely denied the surgical rumours “This is all push ups and clean living.” Sure Harpo or should we call you Herco?

According to unknown sources in the exclusive Toronto plastic surgery clinic where Mr. Harp acquired his “pec plants”, something went “terribly, terribly, wrong”. A former employee of the clinic, Nadia Sturvitz, offered some insight

“Yaah, someone wrote Paula Harp on the admittance chart, and for some reason or other no one bothered to lift the sheet and double check. Ve went ahead with the implants, but lets just say those things will never look muscular. It was an honest mistake.”

The end result?

“Velllll if this Hercules movie is about a confused trans gendered crusader in the middle of a sex change, well then Ms.Harp I mean Mr. Harp is a shoo in. Ya?”

As for the game?

It was a well played affair that started with a couple of quick tallies and committed forechecking by the White squad. The reunion of the brothers Lee and the improved forward play by Matt “The Kid” Maclaren went a long way towards securing the victory.

The Red Side, led by Ned “One Arm” Velagic, Peter the Doctor, and Cameron “The Other Kid” Smith tried their best to make up for the quick start but it was just too little too late. A disappointed Lawrie the Lip Livesay -who failed to make it through the carbon jungle to the opposing net-had this to say about the outcome:

“I'll be spending the first month or so extracting the carbon fibres from my back, but other than that I want to congratulate Team Carter on a series well played.”

Is their a shakeup about to happen on the Red Side? The refusal of many of the players to pose for the post game photo tells us there is something a lot more wrong on that squad than a lack of goal scoring or positive leadership.

Livesay was unavailable for the after party where the new king of TNH was presented with his trophy.

“I just want to thank everyone who contributed to the White victory, and I want to thank former commissioner McGee for staying on the Red Side.”

Congratulations to all for a season well played and kudos to Commissioner Chasse who, continuing with the "austerity moves" presented all players with a participant award.

"I find awards really separate the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad, and I don't want that kind of separation in my league. It set a precedent and makes people aspire to un-realistic goals. These simple documents tell everyone that they are, in my book at least, real winners."

Congratulations to everyone for a well-played, safe season. Hope to see you all next Fall.

Sincerely,

James McGee

Former Commissioner

2009-04-23T17:33:00.002-04:00

Lee Scores in final minute to give Team Carter 1 goal lead!

The following is an eyewitness account of last night's events.

"Lost Boy will go to Tim"

"Livesay goes for the blatant trip on Gord Lee when Gordie streak's by him - the trip is called which results in a penalty shot which Ronnie easily saves"

"Both goalies played great"

"Defense on Red was stellar"

From the Bowling Ball Boy:

"It was a hard-fought 7-6 victory for white I believe.Tempers flared a little and there was some rough-housing.Most notable, a friendly scuffle at the Red blue line with Eddie Chasse getting the better of periennal goonboy Ned."

Apparently I took the first ever TNHL playoff penalty shot.

Goes like this, skate in from centre ice, should I go left, should I go right, should I go 5-hole, should I shot high, should I shot low, shit!!!! Blue ice, just shot the puck - I think I hit Ronnie sqaure in the chest and then I almost ran into him. I missed.

Redeemed myself later in the game on the last shift - scored the tying goal on a nifty behind the net pass from Matt and then the winner on a nice pass from Andy!

Hope that jives with everyone else's account!!!

White missed Harp but were happy to have Leblanc back.

The Lipper speaks:

White 7-6 win. Red outplayed white by a mile....First ever penalty shot called against (me) - I hooked Gord Lee down. Gord was stymied by Ronnie

Tough night for the goalies...

The Doctor was great for the Red...I think he had 3 maybe 4 goals. Carter was down right dirty last night - slashing - hacking - tripping*

*Pot calling the kettle black?

Gord Lee potted the winner with seconds left in the game

Christen hit Mark Lewis in the foot with a shot that would have put most players on the DL.

Dave (not sure of last name - plays D for Red) was solid all night for the red team

Nice to see Tim play thorough his back injuries and lace'm up lace night for white

Very intense game - quick shifts - lots of pace.

Captain Carter:

Penalty shot awarded to Lee after Livesay blows a gasket and hauls Gord down on his way to a quivering Ronnie. After the play I overheard Livesay mutter something about the previous week and that he’s still looking for revenge on the mauling Chase gave him. Lee missed the penalty shot but buried the game winner at the buzzer for a White win 7-6.

And a bit of Haiku from the original Lost Boy:

Who won:

White

Who lost:

Red

Who starred:

We all did

A well thought out but somewhat biased commentary from the current commissioner:

Displaying their depth at every position the White squad routed the Reds in a lopsided 7-6 affair. The Reds desperation was evident in the waning moments of the match when Velagic was taken down by Chase and curled into the fetal position on the ice, pleading for mercy. Livesay was incensed (and embarrassed) resorting to “ street fighting “ tactics, hooking, hacking and slashing at every opportunity.The playoffs will do this to a guy but it was nevertheless a sad , pathetic display. White goes into the final game brimming with confidence and a virtual lock for this years hardware.

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Final game next week

Team Velagic Evens The Score

2009-04-15T09:14:00.003-04:00

The Gooner returns.

The Lipper gets mad.

A rookie almost gets three in his second play-off game.

What more could someone ask for?

"It was looking like snails mating last week" commented Zamboni driver Jerry . "Now tonight, that was a play-off game."

Jerry should know, he's been watching TNH playoff games for nigh on twenty years from his lofty perch on the blue and white ice devil. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT JERRY.

Lets talk instead about, desire, overcoming anger, and fighting a stifling checking system designed to drain the life out of a man who just wants to play a little hockey.

"I'm a nice guy" commented Red Team forward Lawrence "The Lip"Livesay after the game "but it was getting a little ugly down in that end tonight. I mean how's a guy suppose to do anything with Carter tripping me, Chasse hooking, and Harp well .... my Tuesday night wouldn't be complete if I didn't have to pull the wood chips from Harp's stick out of my lower back now would it. Boy, was I mad."

But instead of overt acts of violence (which run in contrast to his deeply held spiritual beliefs) Livesay chose to channel his anger in more positive ways, scoring the winning goal for the Red Team in a tightly fought battle.

"It unfolded beautifully. I took the pass from Velagic and moved to the centre of the ice, I saw a breath of an opening in Kowalik's pads and utilized Chasse's fat ass, I mean oversized buttocks, as a perfect screen for my shot."

After what had been a less than thrilling opener (many veterans had decided to sit out the first game due to a variety of ailments, including early male menopause) the second game was well worth the price of admission, marked by the return of veteran Velagic from the IR. His undisclosed "lower foot injuries" had kept him on the sideline for six weeks.

And for those who had the time to clock Ned's shifts on the bench, it was like he never left.

"His stamina is amazing" said fellow forward Ricky Cutaia "I just wish I could stay out there as long as he does..."

You do Richard, you do.

Despite the veteran presence, it was a rookie who almost stole the show. Little Matthew Maclaren, the 23 year old nephew of Goalie George managed to score 2 on his aging uncle but couldn't connect for the third.

When asked about what appeared to be a rather overt act of nepotism, the Elder Mac had this to say:

"A nepo what? I'm not Italian. Those were all good goals, that kids got a future in this league."

When pressed, a sheepish George relented.

'The kid drives me okay. My vision ain't so good no more, and being on a pension, I can't afford to pay for gas. Leave me alone okay. I tried on everyone of those shots tonight."

And how about his counting ability? According to the Elder Mac, the final score was 3-2, Red. Which according to my math makes this series all tied up.

Former Captain Gord Lee had this to say: "Three two? Three two? If it was three two then that Maclaren should get his meds ch..."

Careful Gordon, he's playing for you next week.

Any thoughts on the score? Post a comment.

Christen Fights Sniffles to lead Team Carter in Playoffs

2009-04-08T12:07:00.005-04:00

Complaining of a killer head cold, White Team veteran and reigning TNH Champion Brett Christen returned to McCormick after a four week absence last night, and lead his team mates to a 5-4* victory over the Red Squad.

"I didn't think I'd make it" said Christen "there was a point there when I thought my head would explode. I was really stuffed up."

After hearing of his teammates dilemma, Ed "Big Head"Chassé stepped in, grabbed Christen by the curls and shoved a large dose of non-drowsy Nasal Blow* up his star's nose.

"A head cold? A head cold? Sheesh...does he know Bobby Baun played the 64' Stanley Cup with one leg? Don't get me started."

Christen rose above Chase's criticisms and, riding a high not unlike the one provided by a good prescription quality speed, contributed strongly to the White Team Victory.

The game, a close hard fought affair (which featured superior goaltending at both ends) was decided late in the third period after a serious gaffe by Red Rookie "Cameron" - Michael Kohn's protege. The young forward, (who is apparently a serious contender for the Stinky Boy award this year) coughed the puck up to fellow rookie, Paul L. and watched as he scored on a completely shocked Ronnie the K.

The young #55 was grief stricken: "Mr. Kohn said this series would be tough. Man, he never told me you guys would be forechecking and backchecking!"

What about the gaffe?

"Okay, I coughed it up, does there have to be an inquisition? Just don't tell Mr. Kohn. Please!"

The young rookie's mistake destroyed an otherwise "Hall Of Fame" performance by Red Team goalie Ronnie The K.

"I left it all out there on the ice tonight, I don't know what else I can do."

Pick it up, put it in your bag, and show up next week Ronnie!

And speaking of showing up, where were Captains Carter and Velagic? The two leaders were nowhere to be seen as the first game of the Spring Classic unfolded. A rather odd strategy at play-off time. Were they trying to avoid the McGee decision?***

Also conspicuous by their absence were vets Harp and Woolley. Were they responding to Shmotz's harangue in last weeks update and serving a self-imposed suspension? The rumour mill placed them at a couples counselling session in Etobicoke, but so far there is no confirmation.

Team White is strong and has to be the early favourite this year. With the return of the Terrible Lee's and the solid defensive work of Crossover Boy Bugden, they are a force to be reckoned with. We can only hope the gap doesn't get any wider.

Until next week.

The Former Commish

*Will Matthew M's Ref Boy call of "they were offside" on that final goal take one away from Red?

**Will Christen's use of non-prescription drugs put an asterisk on this game?

*** McGee made an executive decision and played for Team Velagic last evening.

Former Commissioner a Curse?

2009-04-01T12:43:00.004-04:00

Editor's note:

The following is from TNH columnist Bobby Shmotz. I will let him write (occasionally) as long as he doesn't use it for shameless self-promotion.

Former Commissioner's Comeback Cursed?

It was a divided room last night at the McCormick Ice Palace. On one side there were rousing cheers for former Commissioner McGee in his continued effort to “find a team” for his TNH comeback. On the other side, there were those who thought he just wasn't ready to play.

“He’s a curse” mumbled player/coach/Hab lover Harpo. “He’s played for two different teams in the last two weeks and both have lost. We don’t want his stink on our bench.”

McGee was rather distressed by Mr. Harp’s comments.

“I’m just out there trying to do my best, and contribute to my team’s chance of victory” said McGee, in tears after being informed of Harp’s negativisms. Harp wasn’t fooled.

“He ain’t helping us. Tell him to take his floating routine to the other side. He’s in la la land if he thinks he’s ready for next week’s game.”

When asked for an opinion, Andrew Carter, captain of the White side had this to say:

“So far McGee has shown up on time, his sweater has always been pressed and he contributes valuable insights on the bench. Why only last night he was suggesting that we should pass to each other as we approached the goal in an attempt to put it behind the goalkeeper. However if I had to choose, and I’m trying to be fair here, I would say let Velagic have the cripple.”

And since Carter has the final say on additions to his squad, things do not look good for a White McGee. Will Team Red Captain Velagic (who, luckily enough has not seen McGee in action for the past two weeks.) come through for his old army mate.

“I hate to think that my chance of playing boils down to the Gooner’s opinion of me. I did after all steal his girlfriend back in 1983. Can we at least have a vote? It worked for me on Canadian Idol, it could work for me here.”

The final game of the season was a well played affair, with lots of scoring, skating and shooting on both sides. The Red bench was bolstered by the continued benevolence of White Team veteran Bugden who, for the 500^th time in TNHL history agreed to “crossover”. It also benefited from Ronnie the K's replacement, rental goalie Dave, who was uncertain at times on some of the shots that approached his net. Especially the hard fast ones.

Highlights were abundant, including a brief scuffle between old dance mates P.Harp and G.Woolley in the Red end. The Pas du Duh made this writer think nostalgically about the old “He hooked me, he hacked me, think I’ll kill him” days. Current commissioner Chassé will have to get on this situation quickly or risk having it get out of control. No sense having two of your best players mad at each other during the play-offs. Come on girls, kiss and make up, it is after all, only a game.

Matty "the kid" had a strong game for the White team, as he (along with fellow forward Scotty D.) actually skated vigorously back to their own end of the ice to see what life on the other side of the blue line was like.

Red Squad veteran M. Kohn - rumoured to be heading to Europe to explore playing opportunities in the Moorish League - played valiantly, and for the most part kept to the centre of the ice, at one point splitting the defense and scoring on a breakaway opportunity.

Ref Boy Dicky D’Amico (rumoured to be the illegitimate son of NHL ref John D’Amico) made several questionable offside calls during the game, but his best was the first ever high-sticking call late in the game. Dicky D's call essentially "snuffed out" what appeared to be a Team Carter comeback.

“I calls them as I sees them” said Dicky after the game. “If they go in my team's favour, that’s just one of the benefits of being a player-ref.”

It looks like both teams are in good shape going into next week’s play-offs. However, there are still some gaping deficiencies in both line ups. Captain Carter has got to be worried as to whether Breakaway Boy Christen will return from his forced hiatus.

“ First my little Victor disappears, and now Christen takes a holiday? I don’t care what the big man is negotiating, we need some scoring.”

And how about the Red Side? Will Velagic’s (now affectionately know as the Gimper) playing time be decreased by having to play with crutches? Will Livesay cough up for that baby sitter?

And most importantly what team will McGee get to play for? Lets put it to a vote!

The story starts to unfold next week. Till then...

Keep your head up,

Bobby

The Former Commish Back for Playoffs

2009-03-31T09:02:00.000-04:00

Gentlemen (and ladies),

It's play-off time!

So I'm back on skates and looking for a team that's going to take me to the championship. It has been almost three years since I tasted from the TNH grail, and I need my fix. The team that I choose must be skilled, tenacious, and willing to carry my sorry ass through the play-offs.

And I want a goal.

In each of the games.

I tried the Red Team last week, taking over from the Gimpy Goon Boy and traveling man Ned V* and lets just say it was quite an experience. I was particularly impressed by second year winger Little Richard's ability to consistently pass behind me (and then berate me for not being able to take a pass). I know my timing might be off Richard, but please...AIM FOR THE BLADE!

I particularly cherished Michael K's insistence on sharing my wing.

Now I've shared a wing with Michael before - as have most players in the TNH league - but I think now that I finally understand what his motivation is. The perennial Lost Boy is trying to bring back the Rover position made popular by the late great Frank McGee and the original Ottawa Senators.

McGee (no relation) as you might remember set the early NHL on fire with his skating and scoring prowess. And he didn't let any "wing" designation slow him down. He was also blind in one eye, and Michael wears glasses, but I think I'll stop there before the comparisons become too eerie.

Next time you tell Michael to get on his own wing, be patient, he's an innovator. And damn it, he's experimenting! Invoking the spirit of One Eyed Frank to create a new paradigm. And when the Rover position returns finally to the NHL, you'll know you saw it here first on Tuesday Night.

I plan on playing for the White Team tonight. I have my eyes on the Right Wing (its closest to the bench). And after watching Matt M. and Scotty D. goal suck a couple of weeks ago, apparently you don't have to back check. Its my kind of team.

Hope to see all you girls on Captain Carter's army give me your full support.

Sincerely,

The Former Commish

*The Gooner has promised to be back on skates next week, so make sure to bring all your protective equipment.